Tombstones Belong In The Cemetery



It's already a given that nobody in this fuckin' country can just leave their car the fuck alone. Everyone has to do something to make themselves stand out. My question today: When the fuck did rear windows become epitaphs?



54 years is a long time to use a condom!

I don't know how to say it any simpler than this, but, nobody on the road cares about who died in your life! Whether it be "Grandma Rosemary" or "Uncle Jim" that shit is something that should be left in the cemetery and not on your fucking car. All it takes is one fucking idiot to do something retarded and people follow like damn lemmings. You seriously thing putting a "In Loving Memory" sticker on your rear window is trendy? Think again, cupcake!

One response I received from one of these offenders was "I did it to honor them." Bullshit. The first automobile in this country came off the production line in 1908. People had 100 years worth of chances to "honor someone" on their rides, but didn't. Do you know why? Because it's fucking stupid.

People on the streets and freeways don't need to be reminded of death, much less the deceased of someone they've never met. Why do people insist on putting this shit out for complete strangers to see? Understand that I'm not completely insensitive. I get the whole wanting to remember them thing. Just keep that shit in one of three places: Your house, your body (remembrance tats are acceptable), or the damn cemetery. Period, end of story. In the age where people will do anything to stand out, this is one thing we definitely don't need. If you're one of the motorists who've done this, read the following sentence. Stop trying to draw attention to yourselves!

Oh, and for those of you who just said to yourselves "I didn't do it to draw attention to myself," that's 100% bullshit! You honestly think a huge ass epitaph on your window isn't drawing attention? Guess again. Why else would you put it on the outside of your car for all to see? Why not put it on the inside? Like on your dashboard or glove compartment where you can be reminded of that person everyday? Oh, that's right, because people won't be able to see it inside. Your car doesn't need to be a mobile tombstone. Stop it. Just stop. Stop I said!

When did Scions become cool?

These cars are stupid. I'd leave it at just that statement, but then it wouldn't be much of a blog now, would it? Ever since these ugly things debuted a few years back, Generation Y idiots started modifying every square inch of their new economy rides.

We're hoping those rims are glow-in-the-dark.

Let's start with the Xb. This fucking ugly over-sized toaster with an engine is quite possibly the most craptastic thing I've seen in a while. Jesus Christ, even Kia is making fun of these things. Engineers spent years structuring vehicles to be more aerodynamic and Toyota fucks it all up and makes a box. You heard me right, I said Toyota. Because apparently, there's a lot of low-income fucks out there who can't even afford a Toyota, so the mighty auto company had to create a cheaper brand. I'll tell you what, there's nothing cooler than tricking out a $14k metal box. These fools roll around like they're the shit. That is, when they're not working the graveyard shift at Wal-Mart stocking shelves. Hey, at least they're not passing out the happy face stickers at the entrance. But they're pretty goddamn close!

Besides the stupid ass box with wheels, the brainiacs at Toyota also came up with the Scion Tc. Just when you thought there couldn't be a cheaper version of the Honda Civic, eh? Boy do people think they're hot shit in these clown cars. What does your average driver of one of these things do the second they take it off the lot? They high speed it over to Pep Boys to rice the fuckin' thing out. It gets lowered, new rims, a fart cannon muffler, window tint, and all of a sudden, they're ready to race Vin Diesel. I guess they're so embarrassed that they can only afford a Toyota knockoff, that they feel they have to modify it to make it look cool. The only problem is, now they look way fuckin' worse.

I love Scion guy as he weaves in and out of lanes. His Scion is so fast and powerful, he can beat anyone who isn't racing him. For the record, if you own or lease a Scion, and it's all you can afford, I'm not hatin' on you. However, if you're the retard who dumps your Carls Jr. paycheck into useless mods on a Toyota budget machine, just know one thing; Nobody is checking out your ride because they like it. They're simply laughing at all the dumb shit you put on your car. Just remember...you drive a Scion, not a Formula 1 race car. Now stop reading this and go get some cool car club stickers to put all over your windows. Idiot.

You drive a Nissan Altima, not a Lexus

Apparently, these tail light covers are cool.
Yeah, we didn't get the memo either.

Some people make good money. Others, not so much. If you're in the "others" category, that's alright. There's nothing wrong with working hard and not getting paid enough to do it...as long as you accept it.

If you can't accept it, do something to better yourself. Most people who drive a Lexus or other luxury cars can afford them. The ones who can't but still want to be noticed are your average Nissan Altima owners. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with driving an Altima or even a Maxima for that matter, just as long as you stay in your lane!

The fact that you've clicked on this blog already tells me that you know exactly what I'm talking about. We've all seen them on the street. It's the low-income guy/girl in the Altima with the loud stereo system, fart cannon muffler, smoke colored tail light covers, and 20+ inch chrome rims. I can go all day about how they think that the fart cannon muffler automatically makes it a sports car, but Allen or myself will cover that in an upcoming blog so I'll stick to the luxury topic today.

If you're offended at this point, then you're the person I'm talking about. Stop thinking that you drive an E-class or a 7-series. Just because you're mustering up $160 a month for 7 years on a pre-owned Altima from Car Max doesn't make you more important. The fact that you have to park that kind of car out in front of your job at Subway is funny in itself. Why anyone would dump a bunch of money into useless "bling" on their vehicle in an attempt to impress complete strangers on the road is beyond me.

You have every right in America to dress up your car as you want. Just remember that everyone else has the right to laugh at it.