Searching For Freeway Bobby Fischer

Hey you! Yeah you, the fucktard weaving in and out of lanes in heavy traffic! Guess what...you aren't getting anywhere asshole!

 

The problem with playing "Freeway Checkers" is that idiot drivers actually think it gets them where they need to go faster. This couldn't be further from the truth. There is nothing more fuckin aggravating than some douche bag cutting in front of you on more than one occasion because they just can't stay put.



All this dumb shit does is slow down traffic by making people hit the brakes more often than they should. Great, you just got 2 cars ahead of me, I guess now you have time to stop for that bagel...right, fuckface?

People who do this need to climb to the top of a high rise building and just jump right the fuck off. Seriously, where the fuck do these people get off thinking they are more important than anyone else? Judging by the types of cars that these drivers own (usually of the low-budget economy car variety), I'd say it's safe to say that no, they aren't important at all.

I can't count how many times I've had an asshat driver like this behind me, only to watch him cut across all lanes of traffic and back, just to end up behind me again. It's fucking stupid...but then again, humans are fucking stupid. For a species that is supposedly the most intelligent, we do some pretty fucking stupid things.

 

In conclusion, if you happen to be one of these low-life pieces of shit who does these sort of things on the road, I have just 5 words for you - GO FUCK YOURSELF! I know, it's not 5 words...it's like 4 or something, but whatever. Stop doing this dumb shit and just wait it out like everyone else, you fucking cum sucking dirtbag taint licking pile of fuck!

You're not Fast & Furious!

I remember when I used to pretend I was something I wasn't. First, I was a Ninja Turtle. Then, I was a Power Ranger. Of course, I was 10 years old. What we have these days are a bunch of adults on the road doing the exact same thing with their Honda Civics, Hyundai Accents, Scion TCs, Acura Integras, and numerous other 4-cylinder gas savers.

I bet this car goes 800mph.

Sure, The Fast & Furious and it's sequels are somewhat entertaining flicks, but that doesn't mean you have to imitate it. What this movie has done is send a false message to 18-30 year-old minority males that cheap economy cars can be turned into race cars with one trip to Pep Boys. Let's take a look at what these fools do to their budget rides, which they think automatically turns them into cool guys.



Spoilers aka "Wings"
Holy shit, who's stupid fuckin idea was it to put these on the trunks of front-wheel drive vehicles? This is quite possibly the silliest aftermarket accessory you can buy for a 4-banger. What, is your Nissan Sentra so fast that you're afraid it's gonna take off into the stratosphere? This item does absolutely nothing except make you look like a dumbass.

Exhaust Systems
These fuckin loud ass fart cannons remind me of when I used to put a coke can or baseball card above the back tire on my bmx to make it sound like a dirt bike. Rice boys spend a couple hundred dollars to add a sound that many people pay good money to have their car NOT sound like that. News flash homos - that obnoxious exhaust doesn't make you faster and only draws stupid ass attention to yourself. It also lets everyone know that you don't know how to shift.

"Custom" Wheels
I put custom in parentheses because once all of you get the same fuckin rims, it's not custom anymore. Here's the next news flash - those wheels don't make your civic look any cooler. It's still a civic. Now all you're telling people is that you're a cheap ass idiot who knows how to blow his money on stupid shit.

Body Kits
Talk about polishing a turd. I especially love the losers who can afford the body kits, but can't afford to paint them. Did you ever stop to think that if you have to resort to putting a body kit on your car, that maybe that car ain't worth shit? Just saying...

Stickers
This is perhaps my favorite accessory from ricer boy. These fools grab free stickers from various vendors like NOS, DUB, American Racing, etc, place them on their cheap ass cars, and try to act like they're sponsored or something. Some of these fags are so dillusional, they think they get an extra 5 horsepower per every sticker they add. Good job fellas! Keep putting the NOS sticker on for the NOS you don't have and the DUB sticker for the DUBS you don't have.

Custom Interior
Really? You just dropped that kind of cash so your interior can match your Maaco paint job on your Hyundai? Just fuckin shoot yourself.

Carbon Fiber Hoods
Great, you just saved a few pounds by purchasing a carbon fiber hood...and trunk. Too bad you still have a 4-cylinder engine with no balls under the hood. Idiots.

Tachometers
To me, this shows you're an amateur and have no fucking clue how to operate a manual transmission. If you need a big ass tac with a big ass yellow light to let you know when to shift gears, you're already screwed.

Fire Extinguishers
No, you don't need that fire extinguisher because you went so fast that your engine might spontaneously combust, you need it because you spent all of your money on dumb ass shit that you couldn't affort a $30 signature oil change at Jiffy Lube and now your shit is on fire. This never fails to make me chuckle every time I see it.

Look, you drive a shitty car - deal with it. What's stupid is that instead of running your McDonald's paycheck over to Auto Zone to buy dumb shit for your "Tuner," you can save up and buy a real sports car in a couple of years instead of pretending like you drive one now. I know your Acura Integra is so fast and powerful that you can even beat people who aren't racing you, but shitheads, please give it a rest. No matter how much random shit you put on your beater, it will never be cool. So stop thinking that Vin Diesel is going to pull up next to you at a red light.

I'll leave you with a quote from my illustrious coworker: "You're a grown ass man - get yourself a grown ass car!"

‘Tis The Season….for idiots!

I could’ve sworn the holiday season was supposed to be the one time of year where everyone is nice to each other. Not in California it isn’t! Just when you think people couldn’t get more rude and obnoxious, just add two ingredients – the mall and Christmas.

Holy shit, get a life. That is all.

California The United States is already bad enough with everyone’s “me first” attitude out in public. People just don’t give a shit about one another anymore. Whether it be on the road, in the mall, or anywhere else, there’s too much “fuck you” and not enough “go ahead.” The holidays only amplifies this problem by 3,000 percent. I guess you can blame shit like smartphones and vehicles with increased power for amplifying the Attention Deficit Disorder in Americans. Everyone wants instant gratification. They can no longer wait for anything. If something takes longer than 2 minutes, people whine, bitch, moan, and complain.

Riddle me this, Batman – Why do people drive around the parking structure for 30 minutes looking for the closest spot when they obviously have no problem walking around the mall for 3 hours? You have the dickheads who will block traffic while they sit with their blinker on, the sluts who walk in the middle of the road and think traffic will yield to them, the tool bag who parks his 1995 Civic directly on the middle of the line and takes up 2 spaces because he thinks he drives a Bugatti Veyron, and the crack whores who see that you’re waiting for their spot and take their sweet ass fuckin time.

Then, you enter the mall. You have the people who don’t think twice as they bump into you in order to get by, the stupid bitch slowing everyone down because she’s too busy texting with her head up her ass, and my personal favorite, the whore who is walking in the flow of traffic and stops out of nowhere, as if she’s the only person in the entire fucking mall. It’s a proven fact that when you get a large group of random people together, stupid shit happens. Don’t even get me started on Black Friday. I love the unemployed losers who camp out in front of Best Buy a week before in order to save a few bucks on an Ipod they don’t need. Then, when the doors open, people stampede and trample one another for fuckin material things. People have lost their friggin minds.

It's no wonder online shopping has rapidly increased over the past few years. You don't have to deal with fuckin idiots. You can also be like me and order your gifts while sitting naked in a bean bag chair and eating cheetos. I have no other colorful insight here. If you're one of those idiots, go fuck yourself!!

Tombstones Belong In The Cemetery



It's already a given that nobody in this fuckin' country can just leave their car the fuck alone. Everyone has to do something to make themselves stand out. My question today: When the fuck did rear windows become epitaphs?



54 years is a long time to use a condom!

I don't know how to say it any simpler than this, but, nobody on the road cares about who died in your life! Whether it be "Grandma Rosemary" or "Uncle Jim" that shit is something that should be left in the cemetery and not on your fucking car. All it takes is one fucking idiot to do something retarded and people follow like damn lemmings. You seriously thing putting a "In Loving Memory" sticker on your rear window is trendy? Think again, cupcake!

One response I received from one of these offenders was "I did it to honor them." Bullshit. The first automobile in this country came off the production line in 1908. People had 100 years worth of chances to "honor someone" on their rides, but didn't. Do you know why? Because it's fucking stupid.

People on the streets and freeways don't need to be reminded of death, much less the deceased of someone they've never met. Why do people insist on putting this shit out for complete strangers to see? Understand that I'm not completely insensitive. I get the whole wanting to remember them thing. Just keep that shit in one of three places: Your house, your body (remembrance tats are acceptable), or the damn cemetery. Period, end of story. In the age where people will do anything to stand out, this is one thing we definitely don't need. If you're one of the motorists who've done this, read the following sentence. Stop trying to draw attention to yourselves!

Oh, and for those of you who just said to yourselves "I didn't do it to draw attention to myself," that's 100% bullshit! You honestly think a huge ass epitaph on your window isn't drawing attention? Guess again. Why else would you put it on the outside of your car for all to see? Why not put it on the inside? Like on your dashboard or glove compartment where you can be reminded of that person everyday? Oh, that's right, because people won't be able to see it inside. Your car doesn't need to be a mobile tombstone. Stop it. Just stop. Stop I said!

Remember Music Television?

In 1981, MTV launched a new generation of music by airing the very first music video “Video Killed The Radio Star” by The Buggles. What a difference 12 years can make. Although the 1993 premiere of “Beavis and Butthead” broke up the monotony of nothing but music videos (and was funny as shit), it began the era of what is now 0% music and 100% piece of shit reality television.

"Hey Beavis, remember when like... uhhh...
MTV had videos and stuff?"

If you turn on MTV at any given time throughout the day, you will not see any form of music television. Instead, what you’ll find are shows featuring pregnant 16 year-old sluts, fat bitches who want to be made into a prom queen, obnoxious drama-laden idiots from New Jersey, and meaningless duels between washed-up MTV reality stars of yesterday.

The reality craze got so bad on MTV, that in 1996 Viacom had to create MTV2 so that videos could still be played. Today, you have to fuckin go to MTV8 just to catch a glimpse of a video. Not that videos today are any good, considering it’s all the same shit – a bunch of studio gangsters shoving their grill in the camera while showing off a bunch of fancy cars they don’t own. Music videos today are more like short movies. All of a sudden, it takes 15 minutes to get through a 4 minute song.

Why anyone wastes their time watching any of the craptastic shit MTV airs is beyond me. Personally, I enjoy living my own life. I don't need to be sucked into some random idiot's drama. If you don't have any drama in your life and you watch this shit to get your fix, then you have a serious problem. Get help. Everyone wants to be a fuckin reality star; and the only reason they can be is beacause of the dumb ass people who watch the shit.

Let's trash the shows about rich kid's birthdays and give me some cool videos like "Take On Me." I want my MTV back!

When did Halloween become slutty?

I am now a firm believer that chicks will use any reason available to dress up like sluts. Case in point - Halloween. When did Halloween become a reason for chicks to dress up like prostitutes?

I'm sure guys won't think less of them.

Correct me if I'm wrong (which I'm not, so don't waste your time) but wasn't Halloween created to scare off the spirits with hideous looking costumes? Somehow over time that ritual evolved to include humorous costumes, look-a-like costumes, and now slutty costumes. At first, I was hesitant about writing a blog on this topic. What made me go for it was the fact that the Friday before Halloween I witnessed a handful of high school girls walking home in a slutty nurse outfit, a very short French maid outfit, and the skimpiest Pocahontas costume I've ever seen. How these girls were able to stay at school dressed like that is beyond me. If one of them so much as coughed, it woulda looked like a party favor coming out of their skirts. Personally, I wouldn't have let my 15 or 16 year old daughter out of the fucking house looking like that.

I'm not sure if this is an attention thing or what. It must be, because I don't buy the excuse of "we do it because it looks cute." That's the most bullshit excuse I've heard since "I got a new phone and didn't have your number." Chicks who dress like that know exactly what they're doing. They want and crave the attention it brings. What pisses guys off about that is the fact that when guys look at the dumb bitches with short skirts and low cut tops, these sluts get all mad and call us perverts. Stupid cunts. If you don't like guys looking, stop advertising!!

It's not just Halloween that chicks take the opportunity to dress like hookers; Vegas, court dates, birthday parties, weddings, and nights out at the club or bars are all awesome excuses to dress like a call girl. Halloween however has quickly become the biggest excuse to show off some tits, legs, and ass. It's funny to me how it's these same hoes that complain about how they can't find a decent guy. News flash - if you dress like that around any guy, the last thing they're thinking is "I wonder what's the last book she's read." In reality, they're thinking "I wonder if she could suck a basketball through a tennis racket?"

Gone are the days of leaving something to the imagination. These bitches lay it all out to get the attention that daddy didn't give them. What these sluts don't realize is they're only viewed as T&A. As long as they don't have a problem with that, guys will keep treating them like cum dumpsters.

Skinny Jeans - The New/Old Fad

The only thing more irritating than the amount of chicks who wear skinny jeans today is the fact that they think it's a new trend. Welcome back 1985! Within the last couple years or so, the wearing of these über-tight denim pants has gotten way out of control. It's almost as if every fucking female out there traded in all their straight-legs, boot-cuts and flares for skinnies. Does anyone think for themselves anymore?

 

Going to the rodeo never looked better.

For the record, I have no problem with fashion. What I do have a problem with is every chick between the ages of pre-teen and 30 sporting these jeans like they're the only ones wearing them. Chicks tend to strive for uniqueness and individuality. How the fuck can you accomplish that when every other fucking girl is doing the same thing? There are other options out there, you know!

Another thing that makes skinny jeans less unique is the fact that apparently, the variety of footwear that can be worn with them is limited. If I had a nickel for every bitch I've seen wearing these things with stupid ass Uggs or fake Uggs (fuggs), I'd be sailing with Akon on a yacht somewhere in the Caribbean right now. Seriously, what the fuck do you chicks say, "Hey, look at those girls in skinny jeans and Uggs! Let's go do the same fucking thing!" If it's not Uggs then it's sandals or those stupid ass ballerina slippers. And what's with tucking them into these knee-high boots? What, are you trying to dress up like a fuckin' equestrian? Once in awhile I'll see some stuck up bitch try to "dress up her skinny jeans" with a pair of heels. Really? All it takes to "dress up" your skinnies is a $10 pair of pumps from Payless? Holy shit.

The further into the ghetto you get, the more you see these jeans. If you've ever noticed, low-income hood rats and hynas tend to wear these things every single day on the calendar. They're so afraid of being out of style, those things never come off, except for when they remove them to have more illegitimate kids.

Lastly, just when you thought skinny jeans were the shit, BAM..here come the jeggings! As if skinny jeans weren't tight enough! For those of you uneducated on the subject, jeggings are basically lycra-spandex dyed to look like denim. They're leggings that look like jeans - hence the name "jeggings." We are now three seasons into the 21st century's worst fashion trend, in which women suck, pull, and squeeze themselves into denim-colored sausage casings and then waddle around pretending they're wearing blue jeans. Just looking at these tragic hybrid "pants" can cut off a person's circulation. Actually putting on a pair is a clinically proven health hazard.  Boy, do I hate it when fat bitches wear jeggings. You think skinnies give fat bitches a muffin top? Holy poop. The funny part is these stupid hoochies actually think they look good! I'm not sure when this fad will fade out, but it needs to go away like yesterday.

For those of you who think you look good in either skinny jeans or jeggings, no you don't. You look like a fucking ice cream cone. Now let your ankles breathe!