Skinny Jeans - The New/Old Fad

The only thing more irritating than the amount of chicks who wear skinny jeans today is the fact that they think it's a new trend. Welcome back 1985! Within the last couple years or so, the wearing of these über-tight denim pants has gotten way out of control. It's almost as if every fucking female out there traded in all their straight-legs, boot-cuts and flares for skinnies. Does anyone think for themselves anymore?

 

Going to the rodeo never looked better.

For the record, I have no problem with fashion. What I do have a problem with is every chick between the ages of pre-teen and 30 sporting these jeans like they're the only ones wearing them. Chicks tend to strive for uniqueness and individuality. How the fuck can you accomplish that when every other fucking girl is doing the same thing? There are other options out there, you know!

Another thing that makes skinny jeans less unique is the fact that apparently, the variety of footwear that can be worn with them is limited. If I had a nickel for every bitch I've seen wearing these things with stupid ass Uggs or fake Uggs (fuggs), I'd be sailing with Akon on a yacht somewhere in the Caribbean right now. Seriously, what the fuck do you chicks say, "Hey, look at those girls in skinny jeans and Uggs! Let's go do the same fucking thing!" If it's not Uggs then it's sandals or those stupid ass ballerina slippers. And what's with tucking them into these knee-high boots? What, are you trying to dress up like a fuckin' equestrian? Once in awhile I'll see some stuck up bitch try to "dress up her skinny jeans" with a pair of heels. Really? All it takes to "dress up" your skinnies is a $10 pair of pumps from Payless? Holy shit.

The further into the ghetto you get, the more you see these jeans. If you've ever noticed, low-income hood rats and hynas tend to wear these things every single day on the calendar. They're so afraid of being out of style, those things never come off, except for when they remove them to have more illegitimate kids.

Lastly, just when you thought skinny jeans were the shit, BAM..here come the jeggings! As if skinny jeans weren't tight enough! For those of you uneducated on the subject, jeggings are basically lycra-spandex dyed to look like denim. They're leggings that look like jeans - hence the name "jeggings." We are now three seasons into the 21st century's worst fashion trend, in which women suck, pull, and squeeze themselves into denim-colored sausage casings and then waddle around pretending they're wearing blue jeans. Just looking at these tragic hybrid "pants" can cut off a person's circulation. Actually putting on a pair is a clinically proven health hazard.  Boy, do I hate it when fat bitches wear jeggings. You think skinnies give fat bitches a muffin top? Holy poop. The funny part is these stupid hoochies actually think they look good! I'm not sure when this fad will fade out, but it needs to go away like yesterday.

For those of you who think you look good in either skinny jeans or jeggings, no you don't. You look like a fucking ice cream cone. Now let your ankles breathe!

3 Reasons To Punch Ke$ha In The Mouth

Apparently, it doesn’t take much to make a hit song these days. All you need is a keyboard and someone with an average singing voice at best. The song you release doesn’t even have to mean anything. You could just say “blah blah blah” through the whole damn thing and you’ll get nominated for a Teen Choice Award and an MTV Music Video Award. Perfect example? Kesha. Here are 3 reasons she should be donkey-punched in her annoying mouth:

I guess Lady Gaga isn't the only one
trying to hide her penis.



Reason 1: She’s already a stuck up bitch.
Here we have a bitch that’s so into herself, she has a dollar sign instead of an “S” in her name. Let me get this straight. Before you even dropped your first album, you’re implying that you are rollin’ in dough. That’s pretty ballsy from a person who, not too long ago, was living off welfare and food stamps. Jesus, Kesha, even Puffy’s old sidekick Ma$e is laughing at you.

Reason 2: Her songs SUCK.

Allow me to shit on her first single, “Tik Tok.” I’ll get past the part where she spells like she’s still on welfare and move on to how much this song sucks. If the fake ass “valley girl” accent doesn’t annoy the complete shit out of you, the lyrics will. “Wake up in the mornin’ feelin like P.Diddy.” So what does this mean, Kesha? You wake up feelin’ like a successful black man with more talent than you could ever dream of? Ok, I could see that happening. Then there's “Before I leave brush my teeth with a bottle of jack.” This is possibly the most white trash lyric I’ve heard since Larry the Cable Guy’s rendition of “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.” Seriously, if I ever catch you wasting a whole bottle of JD to brush your teeth, I will fucking kill you. And what's with this shit about you kicking guys to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger? Have you seen that guy lately? Holy shit bitch, you must be on some serious crack.

Reason #3: She can’t sing.

Silly me, I thought songs usually rhyme at the end of each lyric. Someone please tell that to this bitch. “Trying on all our clothes, boys blowin’ up our phones.” Someone must’ve swallowed a good amount of that Jack while brushing their teeth to think that clothes and phones fucking rhyme. But then again, I’m sure she’s had a good amount of practice swallowing. It's bad enough that through half her songs, her voice is digitally fucked with. I'd go as far as to say that what she does isn't considered singing, but just talking with a melody behind it. I guess her writers ran out of ideas for lyrics, because at the end of each chorus she yells like fuckin Tarzan to fill the gap where a lyric would normally be.

If you like this slut and her songs, you have a serious problem with your taste in music. I suppose as long as there are immature slutty high school girls around, there will always be a place for a singer talker like Kesha. I just don't know why anyone without "teen" in their age would even listen to this crap. If all it takes to make lots of money is a keyboard and an average talking voice, I'm headed to Guitar Center.....brb. Ok world, get ready for another epic piece of shit song like "Fly like a G6."

Fondue? Fon-DON'T!!

The only thing I hate more than snobby people are the places that cater to them. Eating establishments like The Melting Pot are a great place for stuck up people to recharge their snob batteries. For those of you who’ve never been to The Melting Pot, let me introduce you to the biggest rip-off in the history of mankind.

They won't be smiling once the bill comes!

The Melting Pot isn’t supposed to be just a restaurant, but an experience as well. It’s exactly the type of experience you want to stay as far away from as humanly possible. It may just be me, but the whole point of “going out” is so you don’t have to cook your own food. When I go to a restaurant, I’m under the assumption that they’re providing a chef to cook the shit for me. Now, not only do you cook your own food at this sorry excuse for a restaurant, you pay more to do it.

Let’s start from the moment you walk in the door. You’re already down $100. That’s right, one hundred dead presidents for stale bread, melted cheese, a few toothpicks, a pot of boiling water, and some raw meat. If you’re on a budget, plan on ordering a glass of water, because the alcohol prices are high enough to make Lindsay Lohan not want to drink. After some modest drinking, my alcohol tab had already reached the same as my food. To be honest, I really don’t know how these people sleep at night. I’m surprised the servers aren’t wearing ski masks and carrying automatic weapons.

For your convenience, I’ve created a cash-saving alternative to The Melting Pot. Your shopping list should include: 1 block of Velveeta cheese ($4), 2 large Hershey bars ($2) 1 lb. sirloin steak ($5), 1 loaf day-old French bread ($2), 1 box of toothpicks ($3), case of 20 Bud Light longnecks ($14). Add Velveeta to a small crockpot. Cut your sirloin and bread into bite-size pieces. Bring a pot of water to a boil. Repeat crockpot scenario with your Hershey bars. There you have it! A fondue evening for about $30. Eat your heart out, Rachel Ray!

What the fuck is it about The Melting Pot that continues to draw people in? It’s typical of the snobs of the planet to feel validated by overpaying for average food. It also gives chicks a reason to dress up like sluts. It’s just too bad that the eye candy fills me up more than the food does.

Let’s Nuke Santa Ana

The first thing you’re gonna say when you read this is “Nolan, you’re just a hater against Mexicans.” You’re absolutely right. But only the bad ones! Although not all Hispanics suck the life out of our great state, most of them do, and this particular article focuses on the ones inhabiting the ass crack of Orange County.

 

Poor homie. He thinks he's still tough.

When I hear the name “Santa Ana”, one phrase comes to mind – piece of shit. Not only is this sorry excuse for a city filthy, it’s filled with the most low-life pieces of crap in the entire universe. The only reason why other cities like Huntington Park, Vernon, West Covina, Bell Gardens, and Pomona don’t beat out Santa Ana on the ‘Piece-Of-Shit-O-Meter’ is because Santa Ana has more square mileage.

 

Now, let’s run down a few reasons why we should nuke Santa Ana right off the Thomas Guide. These are just a FEW reasons, because I don’t have 6 months to talk about them all.



1. Gangs. Feel like getting stabbed or shot while minding your own business? Take a leisurely stroll down Bristol Ave or 17^th Street. This city is filled with so many pieces of wannabe gangster shit it’s ridiculous. The safest time to visit is between 8am and Noon, because these so-called thugs are planning their next drive-by inside their classroom at the continuation high school. Every single day there’s a story in the paper about gang violence in this craphole. Guys like “Baby Joker” and “Droopy” think they’re tough by getting a tattoo of their last name on their back, wearing clothes 3 sizes too big, and shooting at unarmed people. Some even refer to themselves as “soldiers.” Well, if these guys are so tough, maybe they won’t have a problem with taking their skills to Afghanistan, right…ese?



2. Pregnant hynas. These stupid bitches should be deported on the spot. So you live in a run-down apartment complex, you work the counter at Del Taco (if you’re even employed), you have no insurance, yet you continue to pop out illegitimate children? Holy fucking shit. This irritates the living shit out of me. I work my ass off every day, even gone to war for this country, and these stupid hoes get to lay back, pop out kids, and mooch off the state for free. God bless America.



3. Mexican Independence Day Festivals. Viva Mexico! Yup, Mexico is so awesome and so great, that nobody wants to live there! I hate seeing these super uneducated welfare recipients on the news celebrating an independence day for a country they want nothing to do with. They wave a Mexican flag, have a Mexican flag sticker on the back of their Tahoe, shout “viva Mexico”, and yet they live in Santa Ana. It should be open-season on these low-life pieces of shit. What’s even worse – the city shuts down streets so they can celebrate this shit.

4. Santa Ana Unified School District. According to the California Dept. of Education, out of the top 10 worst performing schools in the entire state, Santa Ana has 4 of them. 4 OF THEM! IN ONE FUCKING CITY! We’d be better off shutting down the high schools and opening Fast Food Universities instead. It makes sense since that’s where most of these Spanish speaking retards are headed anyways. Either that, or a fulfilling career in lawncare. Here’s a suggestion: stop teaching classes in Spanish and make these future welfare recipients learn English! Geez, where’s Jaime Escalante when you need him?

These are just a few reasons I think we should dispose of the entire city of Santa Ana. Maybe in the future, part 2 of this blog will be brought forth. If there's anything about this craptastic city you'd like to burn on, by all means, please contribute! We'd love to hear your thoughts.

The iTurd - I'm sure someone would buy it.

The economy is down. BULLSHIT! The economy is not down when millions of consumers drop insane amounts of cash into stupid ass shit.

Next stop - the social services line
to file for food stamps.

Case in point - Apple's aresenal of overpriced electronics starting with the letter "i". Shit like the iPhone is single-handedly responsible for the steep decline in patience with Americans. As if they needed another reason to be impatient. When are Americans gonna wake up and realize they don't need that shit and can live without Youtube on their phones? Probably never.

I remember when just having a cell phone was awesome. Not only were cell phones extremely convenient, they also saved lives the minute they were released. Now, it's gone completely out of control. People freak out if they can't get service on their smartphone so they can log on to Facebook. God forbid you actually go a few hours without getting on the internet.

Why do people go crazy everytime Apple releases a new item? Beats the fucking living shit out of me! People complain about the price of gas, but are quick to drop $500+ on a new iPad. How many versions of the same product can Apple come out with? Apparently, as long as dumbshit consumers keep buying these things, Apple will keep tweaking the shit out of their products. They know people will line up and buy whatever it is that they come out with, simply because it's "the new thing." Don't tell me the economy is down when retards like the ones in the photo above keep dropping their money on stupid, senseless luxuries.

I am 100% convinced that Apple can come out with the iTurd and there will be thousands of morons lining up to buy it. God Bless America.

The Gym: More comedy than exercise

Should you choose to continue reading this fine article, you’ll have a better understanding of why I decided to terminate my gym membership. The examples I’m about to give you are not necessarily contained to one particular chain, but damn near all fucking gyms. Why damn near all fucking gyms? Because of the stupid ass people which are members of these workout establishments. Here we go:

Those Asians can never get enough of Math.

1. People are lazy. “But Nolan, why are they lazy? They’re about to go work out!” Oh really? Then why the fuck do people drive around the parking lot for 10 minutes hoping to find the closest parking spot? This is utterly retarded. You’re about to run on the treadmill, lift weights, take a spin class, etc., yet you don’t want to walk an extra 30 feet and park in the next row? Unbefuckinlieveable….and funny.

2. It’s fucking crowded. I’m not getting much of a workout if I’m waiting for 20 minutes just to get on a machine. It makes me laugh when I can’t get some treadmill work in because the dumb bitch who’s occupying it is taking a leisurely walk. WTF! You’re paying $30 a month to drive to the gym and walk? Do that shit around the block and stay the fuck off my machine! It’s too crowded for that dumb shit. I laughed whenever I saw that shit. I got pissed too.

3. The smoothie bar. Why are fat bitches always hanging out at the smoothie bar? It never fucking fails. They could be working out and burning more calories, but they choose to inhale even more calories and sugar by trying to look cool at the bar. News flash – you’re not cool. You’re fucking fat. Trash the liquid pop tart and hit the cardio machines.

4. Bitches are stupid. Have you ever seen the chick that dresses up in the cutest workout clothes but never really does anything? Sure you have. We all have. She’s got the tightest, most fashionable outfit on, yet all she does is parade around the gym hoping to get noticed. How about the bitch that reads a book while on the bicycle or step machine that’s set to about 10 steps per minute. That’s fucking classic. If you can read while “working out”, then you’re not doing it right.

5. Muscle heads. These guys might be my all time personal favorite. When they don’t have their heads in a Muscle & Fitness magazine, they’re looking at themselves in the mirror at the gym. Thank God for mirrors everywhere, or else these clowns wouldn’t be able to get any work done. Someone should also tell these guys that shirts are available with sleeves. It seems like every meat head enters the gym with a cutoff MMA shirt and walks around like he’s frickin’ Tito Ortiz. Hilarious.

If you're one of these people, shame on you! But thanks for the laughs. Now go pretend to work out!

When did Scions become cool?

These cars are stupid. I'd leave it at just that statement, but then it wouldn't be much of a blog now, would it? Ever since these ugly things debuted a few years back, Generation Y idiots started modifying every square inch of their new economy rides.

We're hoping those rims are glow-in-the-dark.

Let's start with the Xb. This fucking ugly over-sized toaster with an engine is quite possibly the most craptastic thing I've seen in a while. Jesus Christ, even Kia is making fun of these things. Engineers spent years structuring vehicles to be more aerodynamic and Toyota fucks it all up and makes a box. You heard me right, I said Toyota. Because apparently, there's a lot of low-income fucks out there who can't even afford a Toyota, so the mighty auto company had to create a cheaper brand. I'll tell you what, there's nothing cooler than tricking out a $14k metal box. These fools roll around like they're the shit. That is, when they're not working the graveyard shift at Wal-Mart stocking shelves. Hey, at least they're not passing out the happy face stickers at the entrance. But they're pretty goddamn close!

Besides the stupid ass box with wheels, the brainiacs at Toyota also came up with the Scion Tc. Just when you thought there couldn't be a cheaper version of the Honda Civic, eh? Boy do people think they're hot shit in these clown cars. What does your average driver of one of these things do the second they take it off the lot? They high speed it over to Pep Boys to rice the fuckin' thing out. It gets lowered, new rims, a fart cannon muffler, window tint, and all of a sudden, they're ready to race Vin Diesel. I guess they're so embarrassed that they can only afford a Toyota knockoff, that they feel they have to modify it to make it look cool. The only problem is, now they look way fuckin' worse.

I love Scion guy as he weaves in and out of lanes. His Scion is so fast and powerful, he can beat anyone who isn't racing him. For the record, if you own or lease a Scion, and it's all you can afford, I'm not hatin' on you. However, if you're the retard who dumps your Carls Jr. paycheck into useless mods on a Toyota budget machine, just know one thing; Nobody is checking out your ride because they like it. They're simply laughing at all the dumb shit you put on your car. Just remember...you drive a Scion, not a Formula 1 race car. Now stop reading this and go get some cool car club stickers to put all over your windows. Idiot.