You're not Fast & Furious!

I remember when I used to pretend I was something I wasn't. First, I was a Ninja Turtle. Then, I was a Power Ranger. Of course, I was 10 years old. What we have these days are a bunch of adults on the road doing the exact same thing with their Honda Civics, Hyundai Accents, Scion TCs, Acura Integras, and numerous other 4-cylinder gas savers.

I bet this car goes 800mph.

Sure, The Fast & Furious and it's sequels are somewhat entertaining flicks, but that doesn't mean you have to imitate it. What this movie has done is send a false message to 18-30 year-old minority males that cheap economy cars can be turned into race cars with one trip to Pep Boys. Let's take a look at what these fools do to their budget rides, which they think automatically turns them into cool guys.



Spoilers aka "Wings"
Holy shit, who's stupid fuckin idea was it to put these on the trunks of front-wheel drive vehicles? This is quite possibly the silliest aftermarket accessory you can buy for a 4-banger. What, is your Nissan Sentra so fast that you're afraid it's gonna take off into the stratosphere? This item does absolutely nothing except make you look like a dumbass.

Exhaust Systems
These fuckin loud ass fart cannons remind me of when I used to put a coke can or baseball card above the back tire on my bmx to make it sound like a dirt bike. Rice boys spend a couple hundred dollars to add a sound that many people pay good money to have their car NOT sound like that. News flash homos - that obnoxious exhaust doesn't make you faster and only draws stupid ass attention to yourself. It also lets everyone know that you don't know how to shift.

"Custom" Wheels
I put custom in parentheses because once all of you get the same fuckin rims, it's not custom anymore. Here's the next news flash - those wheels don't make your civic look any cooler. It's still a civic. Now all you're telling people is that you're a cheap ass idiot who knows how to blow his money on stupid shit.

Body Kits
Talk about polishing a turd. I especially love the losers who can afford the body kits, but can't afford to paint them. Did you ever stop to think that if you have to resort to putting a body kit on your car, that maybe that car ain't worth shit? Just saying...

Stickers
This is perhaps my favorite accessory from ricer boy. These fools grab free stickers from various vendors like NOS, DUB, American Racing, etc, place them on their cheap ass cars, and try to act like they're sponsored or something. Some of these fags are so dillusional, they think they get an extra 5 horsepower per every sticker they add. Good job fellas! Keep putting the NOS sticker on for the NOS you don't have and the DUB sticker for the DUBS you don't have.

Custom Interior
Really? You just dropped that kind of cash so your interior can match your Maaco paint job on your Hyundai? Just fuckin shoot yourself.

Carbon Fiber Hoods
Great, you just saved a few pounds by purchasing a carbon fiber hood...and trunk. Too bad you still have a 4-cylinder engine with no balls under the hood. Idiots.

Tachometers
To me, this shows you're an amateur and have no fucking clue how to operate a manual transmission. If you need a big ass tac with a big ass yellow light to let you know when to shift gears, you're already screwed.

Fire Extinguishers
No, you don't need that fire extinguisher because you went so fast that your engine might spontaneously combust, you need it because you spent all of your money on dumb ass shit that you couldn't affort a $30 signature oil change at Jiffy Lube and now your shit is on fire. This never fails to make me chuckle every time I see it.

Look, you drive a shitty car - deal with it. What's stupid is that instead of running your McDonald's paycheck over to Auto Zone to buy dumb shit for your "Tuner," you can save up and buy a real sports car in a couple of years instead of pretending like you drive one now. I know your Acura Integra is so fast and powerful that you can even beat people who aren't racing you, but shitheads, please give it a rest. No matter how much random shit you put on your beater, it will never be cool. So stop thinking that Vin Diesel is going to pull up next to you at a red light.

I'll leave you with a quote from my illustrious coworker: "You're a grown ass man - get yourself a grown ass car!"