‘Tis The Season….for idiots!

I could’ve sworn the holiday season was supposed to be the one time of year where everyone is nice to each other. Not in California it isn’t! Just when you think people couldn’t get more rude and obnoxious, just add two ingredients – the mall and Christmas.

Holy shit, get a life. That is all.

California The United States is already bad enough with everyone’s “me first” attitude out in public. People just don’t give a shit about one another anymore. Whether it be on the road, in the mall, or anywhere else, there’s too much “fuck you” and not enough “go ahead.” The holidays only amplifies this problem by 3,000 percent. I guess you can blame shit like smartphones and vehicles with increased power for amplifying the Attention Deficit Disorder in Americans. Everyone wants instant gratification. They can no longer wait for anything. If something takes longer than 2 minutes, people whine, bitch, moan, and complain.

Riddle me this, Batman – Why do people drive around the parking structure for 30 minutes looking for the closest spot when they obviously have no problem walking around the mall for 3 hours? You have the dickheads who will block traffic while they sit with their blinker on, the sluts who walk in the middle of the road and think traffic will yield to them, the tool bag who parks his 1995 Civic directly on the middle of the line and takes up 2 spaces because he thinks he drives a Bugatti Veyron, and the crack whores who see that you’re waiting for their spot and take their sweet ass fuckin time.

Then, you enter the mall. You have the people who don’t think twice as they bump into you in order to get by, the stupid bitch slowing everyone down because she’s too busy texting with her head up her ass, and my personal favorite, the whore who is walking in the flow of traffic and stops out of nowhere, as if she’s the only person in the entire fucking mall. It’s a proven fact that when you get a large group of random people together, stupid shit happens. Don’t even get me started on Black Friday. I love the unemployed losers who camp out in front of Best Buy a week before in order to save a few bucks on an Ipod they don’t need. Then, when the doors open, people stampede and trample one another for fuckin material things. People have lost their friggin minds.

It's no wonder online shopping has rapidly increased over the past few years. You don't have to deal with fuckin idiots. You can also be like me and order your gifts while sitting naked in a bean bag chair and eating cheetos. I have no other colorful insight here. If you're one of those idiots, go fuck yourself!!

Tombstones Belong In The Cemetery



It's already a given that nobody in this fuckin' country can just leave their car the fuck alone. Everyone has to do something to make themselves stand out. My question today: When the fuck did rear windows become epitaphs?



54 years is a long time to use a condom!

I don't know how to say it any simpler than this, but, nobody on the road cares about who died in your life! Whether it be "Grandma Rosemary" or "Uncle Jim" that shit is something that should be left in the cemetery and not on your fucking car. All it takes is one fucking idiot to do something retarded and people follow like damn lemmings. You seriously thing putting a "In Loving Memory" sticker on your rear window is trendy? Think again, cupcake!

One response I received from one of these offenders was "I did it to honor them." Bullshit. The first automobile in this country came off the production line in 1908. People had 100 years worth of chances to "honor someone" on their rides, but didn't. Do you know why? Because it's fucking stupid.

People on the streets and freeways don't need to be reminded of death, much less the deceased of someone they've never met. Why do people insist on putting this shit out for complete strangers to see? Understand that I'm not completely insensitive. I get the whole wanting to remember them thing. Just keep that shit in one of three places: Your house, your body (remembrance tats are acceptable), or the damn cemetery. Period, end of story. In the age where people will do anything to stand out, this is one thing we definitely don't need. If you're one of the motorists who've done this, read the following sentence. Stop trying to draw attention to yourselves!

Oh, and for those of you who just said to yourselves "I didn't do it to draw attention to myself," that's 100% bullshit! You honestly think a huge ass epitaph on your window isn't drawing attention? Guess again. Why else would you put it on the outside of your car for all to see? Why not put it on the inside? Like on your dashboard or glove compartment where you can be reminded of that person everyday? Oh, that's right, because people won't be able to see it inside. Your car doesn't need to be a mobile tombstone. Stop it. Just stop. Stop I said!

Remember Music Television?

In 1981, MTV launched a new generation of music by airing the very first music video “Video Killed The Radio Star” by The Buggles. What a difference 12 years can make. Although the 1993 premiere of “Beavis and Butthead” broke up the monotony of nothing but music videos (and was funny as shit), it began the era of what is now 0% music and 100% piece of shit reality television.

"Hey Beavis, remember when like... uhhh...
MTV had videos and stuff?"

If you turn on MTV at any given time throughout the day, you will not see any form of music television. Instead, what you’ll find are shows featuring pregnant 16 year-old sluts, fat bitches who want to be made into a prom queen, obnoxious drama-laden idiots from New Jersey, and meaningless duels between washed-up MTV reality stars of yesterday.

The reality craze got so bad on MTV, that in 1996 Viacom had to create MTV2 so that videos could still be played. Today, you have to fuckin go to MTV8 just to catch a glimpse of a video. Not that videos today are any good, considering it’s all the same shit – a bunch of studio gangsters shoving their grill in the camera while showing off a bunch of fancy cars they don’t own. Music videos today are more like short movies. All of a sudden, it takes 15 minutes to get through a 4 minute song.

Why anyone wastes their time watching any of the craptastic shit MTV airs is beyond me. Personally, I enjoy living my own life. I don't need to be sucked into some random idiot's drama. If you don't have any drama in your life and you watch this shit to get your fix, then you have a serious problem. Get help. Everyone wants to be a fuckin reality star; and the only reason they can be is beacause of the dumb ass people who watch the shit.

Let's trash the shows about rich kid's birthdays and give me some cool videos like "Take On Me." I want my MTV back!

When did Halloween become slutty?

I am now a firm believer that chicks will use any reason available to dress up like sluts. Case in point - Halloween. When did Halloween become a reason for chicks to dress up like prostitutes?

I'm sure guys won't think less of them.

Correct me if I'm wrong (which I'm not, so don't waste your time) but wasn't Halloween created to scare off the spirits with hideous looking costumes? Somehow over time that ritual evolved to include humorous costumes, look-a-like costumes, and now slutty costumes. At first, I was hesitant about writing a blog on this topic. What made me go for it was the fact that the Friday before Halloween I witnessed a handful of high school girls walking home in a slutty nurse outfit, a very short French maid outfit, and the skimpiest Pocahontas costume I've ever seen. How these girls were able to stay at school dressed like that is beyond me. If one of them so much as coughed, it woulda looked like a party favor coming out of their skirts. Personally, I wouldn't have let my 15 or 16 year old daughter out of the fucking house looking like that.

I'm not sure if this is an attention thing or what. It must be, because I don't buy the excuse of "we do it because it looks cute." That's the most bullshit excuse I've heard since "I got a new phone and didn't have your number." Chicks who dress like that know exactly what they're doing. They want and crave the attention it brings. What pisses guys off about that is the fact that when guys look at the dumb bitches with short skirts and low cut tops, these sluts get all mad and call us perverts. Stupid cunts. If you don't like guys looking, stop advertising!!

It's not just Halloween that chicks take the opportunity to dress like hookers; Vegas, court dates, birthday parties, weddings, and nights out at the club or bars are all awesome excuses to dress like a call girl. Halloween however has quickly become the biggest excuse to show off some tits, legs, and ass. It's funny to me how it's these same hoes that complain about how they can't find a decent guy. News flash - if you dress like that around any guy, the last thing they're thinking is "I wonder what's the last book she's read." In reality, they're thinking "I wonder if she could suck a basketball through a tennis racket?"

Gone are the days of leaving something to the imagination. These bitches lay it all out to get the attention that daddy didn't give them. What these sluts don't realize is they're only viewed as T&A. As long as they don't have a problem with that, guys will keep treating them like cum dumpsters.

Skinny Jeans - The New/Old Fad

The only thing more irritating than the amount of chicks who wear skinny jeans today is the fact that they think it's a new trend. Welcome back 1985! Within the last couple years or so, the wearing of these über-tight denim pants has gotten way out of control. It's almost as if every fucking female out there traded in all their straight-legs, boot-cuts and flares for skinnies. Does anyone think for themselves anymore?

 

Going to the rodeo never looked better.

For the record, I have no problem with fashion. What I do have a problem with is every chick between the ages of pre-teen and 30 sporting these jeans like they're the only ones wearing them. Chicks tend to strive for uniqueness and individuality. How the fuck can you accomplish that when every other fucking girl is doing the same thing? There are other options out there, you know!

Another thing that makes skinny jeans less unique is the fact that apparently, the variety of footwear that can be worn with them is limited. If I had a nickel for every bitch I've seen wearing these things with stupid ass Uggs or fake Uggs (fuggs), I'd be sailing with Akon on a yacht somewhere in the Caribbean right now. Seriously, what the fuck do you chicks say, "Hey, look at those girls in skinny jeans and Uggs! Let's go do the same fucking thing!" If it's not Uggs then it's sandals or those stupid ass ballerina slippers. And what's with tucking them into these knee-high boots? What, are you trying to dress up like a fuckin' equestrian? Once in awhile I'll see some stuck up bitch try to "dress up her skinny jeans" with a pair of heels. Really? All it takes to "dress up" your skinnies is a $10 pair of pumps from Payless? Holy shit.

The further into the ghetto you get, the more you see these jeans. If you've ever noticed, low-income hood rats and hynas tend to wear these things every single day on the calendar. They're so afraid of being out of style, those things never come off, except for when they remove them to have more illegitimate kids.

Lastly, just when you thought skinny jeans were the shit, BAM..here come the jeggings! As if skinny jeans weren't tight enough! For those of you uneducated on the subject, jeggings are basically lycra-spandex dyed to look like denim. They're leggings that look like jeans - hence the name "jeggings." We are now three seasons into the 21st century's worst fashion trend, in which women suck, pull, and squeeze themselves into denim-colored sausage casings and then waddle around pretending they're wearing blue jeans. Just looking at these tragic hybrid "pants" can cut off a person's circulation. Actually putting on a pair is a clinically proven health hazard.  Boy, do I hate it when fat bitches wear jeggings. You think skinnies give fat bitches a muffin top? Holy poop. The funny part is these stupid hoochies actually think they look good! I'm not sure when this fad will fade out, but it needs to go away like yesterday.

For those of you who think you look good in either skinny jeans or jeggings, no you don't. You look like a fucking ice cream cone. Now let your ankles breathe!

3 Reasons To Punch Ke$ha In The Mouth

Apparently, it doesn’t take much to make a hit song these days. All you need is a keyboard and someone with an average singing voice at best. The song you release doesn’t even have to mean anything. You could just say “blah blah blah” through the whole damn thing and you’ll get nominated for a Teen Choice Award and an MTV Music Video Award. Perfect example? Kesha. Here are 3 reasons she should be donkey-punched in her annoying mouth:

I guess Lady Gaga isn't the only one
trying to hide her penis.



Reason 1: She’s already a stuck up bitch.
Here we have a bitch that’s so into herself, she has a dollar sign instead of an “S” in her name. Let me get this straight. Before you even dropped your first album, you’re implying that you are rollin’ in dough. That’s pretty ballsy from a person who, not too long ago, was living off welfare and food stamps. Jesus, Kesha, even Puffy’s old sidekick Ma$e is laughing at you.

Reason 2: Her songs SUCK.

Allow me to shit on her first single, “Tik Tok.” I’ll get past the part where she spells like she’s still on welfare and move on to how much this song sucks. If the fake ass “valley girl” accent doesn’t annoy the complete shit out of you, the lyrics will. “Wake up in the mornin’ feelin like P.Diddy.” So what does this mean, Kesha? You wake up feelin’ like a successful black man with more talent than you could ever dream of? Ok, I could see that happening. Then there's “Before I leave brush my teeth with a bottle of jack.” This is possibly the most white trash lyric I’ve heard since Larry the Cable Guy’s rendition of “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.” Seriously, if I ever catch you wasting a whole bottle of JD to brush your teeth, I will fucking kill you. And what's with this shit about you kicking guys to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger? Have you seen that guy lately? Holy shit bitch, you must be on some serious crack.

Reason #3: She can’t sing.

Silly me, I thought songs usually rhyme at the end of each lyric. Someone please tell that to this bitch. “Trying on all our clothes, boys blowin’ up our phones.” Someone must’ve swallowed a good amount of that Jack while brushing their teeth to think that clothes and phones fucking rhyme. But then again, I’m sure she’s had a good amount of practice swallowing. It's bad enough that through half her songs, her voice is digitally fucked with. I'd go as far as to say that what she does isn't considered singing, but just talking with a melody behind it. I guess her writers ran out of ideas for lyrics, because at the end of each chorus she yells like fuckin Tarzan to fill the gap where a lyric would normally be.

If you like this slut and her songs, you have a serious problem with your taste in music. I suppose as long as there are immature slutty high school girls around, there will always be a place for a singer talker like Kesha. I just don't know why anyone without "teen" in their age would even listen to this crap. If all it takes to make lots of money is a keyboard and an average talking voice, I'm headed to Guitar Center.....brb. Ok world, get ready for another epic piece of shit song like "Fly like a G6."

Fondue? Fon-DON'T!!

The only thing I hate more than snobby people are the places that cater to them. Eating establishments like The Melting Pot are a great place for stuck up people to recharge their snob batteries. For those of you who’ve never been to The Melting Pot, let me introduce you to the biggest rip-off in the history of mankind.

They won't be smiling once the bill comes!

The Melting Pot isn’t supposed to be just a restaurant, but an experience as well. It’s exactly the type of experience you want to stay as far away from as humanly possible. It may just be me, but the whole point of “going out” is so you don’t have to cook your own food. When I go to a restaurant, I’m under the assumption that they’re providing a chef to cook the shit for me. Now, not only do you cook your own food at this sorry excuse for a restaurant, you pay more to do it.

Let’s start from the moment you walk in the door. You’re already down $100. That’s right, one hundred dead presidents for stale bread, melted cheese, a few toothpicks, a pot of boiling water, and some raw meat. If you’re on a budget, plan on ordering a glass of water, because the alcohol prices are high enough to make Lindsay Lohan not want to drink. After some modest drinking, my alcohol tab had already reached the same as my food. To be honest, I really don’t know how these people sleep at night. I’m surprised the servers aren’t wearing ski masks and carrying automatic weapons.

For your convenience, I’ve created a cash-saving alternative to The Melting Pot. Your shopping list should include: 1 block of Velveeta cheese ($4), 2 large Hershey bars ($2) 1 lb. sirloin steak ($5), 1 loaf day-old French bread ($2), 1 box of toothpicks ($3), case of 20 Bud Light longnecks ($14). Add Velveeta to a small crockpot. Cut your sirloin and bread into bite-size pieces. Bring a pot of water to a boil. Repeat crockpot scenario with your Hershey bars. There you have it! A fondue evening for about $30. Eat your heart out, Rachel Ray!

What the fuck is it about The Melting Pot that continues to draw people in? It’s typical of the snobs of the planet to feel validated by overpaying for average food. It also gives chicks a reason to dress up like sluts. It’s just too bad that the eye candy fills me up more than the food does.

Let’s Nuke Santa Ana

The first thing you’re gonna say when you read this is “Nolan, you’re just a hater against Mexicans.” You’re absolutely right. But only the bad ones! Although not all Hispanics suck the life out of our great state, most of them do, and this particular article focuses on the ones inhabiting the ass crack of Orange County.

 

Poor homie. He thinks he's still tough.

When I hear the name “Santa Ana”, one phrase comes to mind – piece of shit. Not only is this sorry excuse for a city filthy, it’s filled with the most low-life pieces of crap in the entire universe. The only reason why other cities like Huntington Park, Vernon, West Covina, Bell Gardens, and Pomona don’t beat out Santa Ana on the ‘Piece-Of-Shit-O-Meter’ is because Santa Ana has more square mileage.

 

Now, let’s run down a few reasons why we should nuke Santa Ana right off the Thomas Guide. These are just a FEW reasons, because I don’t have 6 months to talk about them all.



1. Gangs. Feel like getting stabbed or shot while minding your own business? Take a leisurely stroll down Bristol Ave or 17^th Street. This city is filled with so many pieces of wannabe gangster shit it’s ridiculous. The safest time to visit is between 8am and Noon, because these so-called thugs are planning their next drive-by inside their classroom at the continuation high school. Every single day there’s a story in the paper about gang violence in this craphole. Guys like “Baby Joker” and “Droopy” think they’re tough by getting a tattoo of their last name on their back, wearing clothes 3 sizes too big, and shooting at unarmed people. Some even refer to themselves as “soldiers.” Well, if these guys are so tough, maybe they won’t have a problem with taking their skills to Afghanistan, right…ese?



2. Pregnant hynas. These stupid bitches should be deported on the spot. So you live in a run-down apartment complex, you work the counter at Del Taco (if you’re even employed), you have no insurance, yet you continue to pop out illegitimate children? Holy fucking shit. This irritates the living shit out of me. I work my ass off every day, even gone to war for this country, and these stupid hoes get to lay back, pop out kids, and mooch off the state for free. God bless America.



3. Mexican Independence Day Festivals. Viva Mexico! Yup, Mexico is so awesome and so great, that nobody wants to live there! I hate seeing these super uneducated welfare recipients on the news celebrating an independence day for a country they want nothing to do with. They wave a Mexican flag, have a Mexican flag sticker on the back of their Tahoe, shout “viva Mexico”, and yet they live in Santa Ana. It should be open-season on these low-life pieces of shit. What’s even worse – the city shuts down streets so they can celebrate this shit.

4. Santa Ana Unified School District. According to the California Dept. of Education, out of the top 10 worst performing schools in the entire state, Santa Ana has 4 of them. 4 OF THEM! IN ONE FUCKING CITY! We’d be better off shutting down the high schools and opening Fast Food Universities instead. It makes sense since that’s where most of these Spanish speaking retards are headed anyways. Either that, or a fulfilling career in lawncare. Here’s a suggestion: stop teaching classes in Spanish and make these future welfare recipients learn English! Geez, where’s Jaime Escalante when you need him?

These are just a few reasons I think we should dispose of the entire city of Santa Ana. Maybe in the future, part 2 of this blog will be brought forth. If there's anything about this craptastic city you'd like to burn on, by all means, please contribute! We'd love to hear your thoughts.

The iTurd - I'm sure someone would buy it.

The economy is down. BULLSHIT! The economy is not down when millions of consumers drop insane amounts of cash into stupid ass shit.

Next stop - the social services line
to file for food stamps.

Case in point - Apple's aresenal of overpriced electronics starting with the letter "i". Shit like the iPhone is single-handedly responsible for the steep decline in patience with Americans. As if they needed another reason to be impatient. When are Americans gonna wake up and realize they don't need that shit and can live without Youtube on their phones? Probably never.

I remember when just having a cell phone was awesome. Not only were cell phones extremely convenient, they also saved lives the minute they were released. Now, it's gone completely out of control. People freak out if they can't get service on their smartphone so they can log on to Facebook. God forbid you actually go a few hours without getting on the internet.

Why do people go crazy everytime Apple releases a new item? Beats the fucking living shit out of me! People complain about the price of gas, but are quick to drop $500+ on a new iPad. How many versions of the same product can Apple come out with? Apparently, as long as dumbshit consumers keep buying these things, Apple will keep tweaking the shit out of their products. They know people will line up and buy whatever it is that they come out with, simply because it's "the new thing." Don't tell me the economy is down when retards like the ones in the photo above keep dropping their money on stupid, senseless luxuries.

I am 100% convinced that Apple can come out with the iTurd and there will be thousands of morons lining up to buy it. God Bless America.

The Gym: More comedy than exercise

Should you choose to continue reading this fine article, you’ll have a better understanding of why I decided to terminate my gym membership. The examples I’m about to give you are not necessarily contained to one particular chain, but damn near all fucking gyms. Why damn near all fucking gyms? Because of the stupid ass people which are members of these workout establishments. Here we go:

Those Asians can never get enough of Math.

1. People are lazy. “But Nolan, why are they lazy? They’re about to go work out!” Oh really? Then why the fuck do people drive around the parking lot for 10 minutes hoping to find the closest parking spot? This is utterly retarded. You’re about to run on the treadmill, lift weights, take a spin class, etc., yet you don’t want to walk an extra 30 feet and park in the next row? Unbefuckinlieveable….and funny.

2. It’s fucking crowded. I’m not getting much of a workout if I’m waiting for 20 minutes just to get on a machine. It makes me laugh when I can’t get some treadmill work in because the dumb bitch who’s occupying it is taking a leisurely walk. WTF! You’re paying $30 a month to drive to the gym and walk? Do that shit around the block and stay the fuck off my machine! It’s too crowded for that dumb shit. I laughed whenever I saw that shit. I got pissed too.

3. The smoothie bar. Why are fat bitches always hanging out at the smoothie bar? It never fucking fails. They could be working out and burning more calories, but they choose to inhale even more calories and sugar by trying to look cool at the bar. News flash – you’re not cool. You’re fucking fat. Trash the liquid pop tart and hit the cardio machines.

4. Bitches are stupid. Have you ever seen the chick that dresses up in the cutest workout clothes but never really does anything? Sure you have. We all have. She’s got the tightest, most fashionable outfit on, yet all she does is parade around the gym hoping to get noticed. How about the bitch that reads a book while on the bicycle or step machine that’s set to about 10 steps per minute. That’s fucking classic. If you can read while “working out”, then you’re not doing it right.

5. Muscle heads. These guys might be my all time personal favorite. When they don’t have their heads in a Muscle & Fitness magazine, they’re looking at themselves in the mirror at the gym. Thank God for mirrors everywhere, or else these clowns wouldn’t be able to get any work done. Someone should also tell these guys that shirts are available with sleeves. It seems like every meat head enters the gym with a cutoff MMA shirt and walks around like he’s frickin’ Tito Ortiz. Hilarious.

If you're one of these people, shame on you! But thanks for the laughs. Now go pretend to work out!

When did Scions become cool?

These cars are stupid. I'd leave it at just that statement, but then it wouldn't be much of a blog now, would it? Ever since these ugly things debuted a few years back, Generation Y idiots started modifying every square inch of their new economy rides.

We're hoping those rims are glow-in-the-dark.

Let's start with the Xb. This fucking ugly over-sized toaster with an engine is quite possibly the most craptastic thing I've seen in a while. Jesus Christ, even Kia is making fun of these things. Engineers spent years structuring vehicles to be more aerodynamic and Toyota fucks it all up and makes a box. You heard me right, I said Toyota. Because apparently, there's a lot of low-income fucks out there who can't even afford a Toyota, so the mighty auto company had to create a cheaper brand. I'll tell you what, there's nothing cooler than tricking out a $14k metal box. These fools roll around like they're the shit. That is, when they're not working the graveyard shift at Wal-Mart stocking shelves. Hey, at least they're not passing out the happy face stickers at the entrance. But they're pretty goddamn close!

Besides the stupid ass box with wheels, the brainiacs at Toyota also came up with the Scion Tc. Just when you thought there couldn't be a cheaper version of the Honda Civic, eh? Boy do people think they're hot shit in these clown cars. What does your average driver of one of these things do the second they take it off the lot? They high speed it over to Pep Boys to rice the fuckin' thing out. It gets lowered, new rims, a fart cannon muffler, window tint, and all of a sudden, they're ready to race Vin Diesel. I guess they're so embarrassed that they can only afford a Toyota knockoff, that they feel they have to modify it to make it look cool. The only problem is, now they look way fuckin' worse.

I love Scion guy as he weaves in and out of lanes. His Scion is so fast and powerful, he can beat anyone who isn't racing him. For the record, if you own or lease a Scion, and it's all you can afford, I'm not hatin' on you. However, if you're the retard who dumps your Carls Jr. paycheck into useless mods on a Toyota budget machine, just know one thing; Nobody is checking out your ride because they like it. They're simply laughing at all the dumb shit you put on your car. Just remember...you drive a Scion, not a Formula 1 race car. Now stop reading this and go get some cool car club stickers to put all over your windows. Idiot.

It's Summer...Put The Fucking Uggs Away!

Hoes. They'll do anything to make sure they're always in style, even if it means giving up more sensible things in life. But hey, at least they have those Uggs. In what to me is a more marketable version of snow boots, Uggs have captured the fashion sense of females ages early-teens to mid-20's for the last coupe of years. Why? Beats the living shit out of me.

Is it hot enough to wear a mini skirt, or
cold enough to wear Uggs? We're confused.

Unless they're being worn in late December around the ski lifts, they have no business being worn in the Summer in Southern California. Coupled with the wearing of skinny jeans, Uggs (or often Ugg imitations) provide little to no ventilation of the feet. Can you imagine the stank that is going on down there? I asked a co-worker not too long ago why Uggs were such a trendy hit. She replied, "Because when it rains, it keeps our jeans from getting wet and ruined." This was obviously a bullshit excuse, considering two points: A) It rains a total of 3 fucking days here per year in Orange County, and B) Bitches are currently wearing them in August, when the thermometer topped 100° for almost 2 weeks straight.

My personal take on the wearing of Uggs in the Summer is that the bitches who wear them spent all of their money on those overpriced snow boots and now they don't have any money left to buy a pair of fucking sandals.

I'd like to say that I'm not a huge fan of trends as it is. I like individuality, and you can't achieve that when every other bitch is doing the same thing. As my partner in crime stated in his rant on Hynas, it's funny how girls (especially Hynas) walk around thinking they're so unique. Well news flash - you're not unique when every other chick in your age group is wearing the same thing, doing their hair the same way, and carrying the same over-sized hand bags.

In conclusion, Uggs are not cute. They're fucking stupid. You might only find one or two guys who don't think they look retarded, and most likely they're just telling you that so they can get in your skinny jeans. If you're planning a trip this Winter to Mammoth, by all means, knock yourselves out. In the meantime, take those fucking things off and leave them in the closet next to the knee-high hooker boots.

You have a debit card. Use it!

Go debit, or go fuck yourself.

Let's get right into it. Going to the grocery store is already a hell of a chore, so why make the experience worse than it already is? If you go to pay at the checkout register and you pull out a fucking checkbook, keep reading - cause you're an asshole!

Welcome to the fuckin' 21st Century, where convenience is everywhere and technology is at it's best.

Long gone are the days of forgetting the checkbook at home, misplacing your pen, and oh ya...writing checks at the damn grocery store! It's bullshit. Don't mind me, I'm just trying to get in and out in a timely fashion. The last thing I need is to get in "that line" with the douche bag who watches every item go past the scanner, waits to hear the total from the cashier, and THEN pulls out the fucking checkbook and starts to fill it out. I guess filling in the known elements like the date, your signature, and I don't know, the name of the fucking store is too easy huh? I was behind this one tool bag not too long ago where he had to ask the cashier what fucking store he was in. Are you fucking kidding me? Unacceptable.

If you have a checking account here in the year 2010, you have a goddamn debit card. It's so easy, fast, and doesn't require you remembering your pen. Jesus, it's like debit cards are fucking kryptonite to check writers. "But Nolan, I like keeping track of all my purchases." Yeah, me too. It's called online fucking banking. Also gone are the days of playing the "time game". You remember that game, being able to write a check 3 days before payday knowing it wouldn't be cashed while your broke ass was waiting to get paid. That was the last known advantage to using a check. Now, they have these high-speed scanners that tell them if your broke ass is writing a check with no money behind it. Busted!

Look, there are still uses for checks these days; Private debt, mortgage, some bills, but NOT to purchase your wheaties and lean cuisine. Just remember, if you're still holding on to the long-passed era of check writing at the store, millions upon millions of people fucking hate you. Including me.

Hynas, Part 1: Individuality...or lack thereof.

Hello everyone, this part of our blog is brought to you by: Hynas. Now, in order to fully convey our disgust with this subculture of females ranging in ages 15 to 25, this will have to be a several part series.

Not even Costco has muffin tops this big.

A "Hyna" is defined by the Urban Dictionary as "a HOT Chicana in the Barrio, keeping it real." This definition could not be further from the truth. This part is about the individuality, or lack there of, among hynas who can be easily identified by their trademarks: Stenciled-on eyebrows, black lip liner with no lipstick on, the crunchy hair sustained by a can and a half of Aqua Net, the big hoop earrings, the black bra underneath the white tank top, and last but not least, the skinny jeans tucked into the Uggs in 95 degree heat.

The question I ask myself every time I see 15 year old Guadalupe walking down the street, pushing a baby in her stroller with another in the oven, is why do they think they are so unique if they dress and act exactly like every other hyna? I have a unique insight into this (having dated a hyna for a short period of time) and my theory is this; hynas are so unhappy with their mediocrity that they have to cling to anything they can to make themselves unique. Be it their style of dress, attitude, the car they drive, or the careers they choose, sadly these are all the same.

With their background now established, lets get to the hatin. I hate when these hynas walk around acting like they are so different from everyone else when they are exactly the same in every way. They all have the same stupid 'holier than thou' attitude, even though most of them work as a receptionist making less than $10 an hour. Yet you always see them texting on their brand new Droid or iPhone, while driving their leased Altimas with rent- to-own 20" rims. Along with the attitude comes the style of dress, which are the skinny jeans, Ugg boots, stupid bug eye sunglasses, and the crunchy hair. Of course they think they all look good (and i'll admit some do), but then you have the muffin toppin' ones who are like 300 pounds, but still squeeze themselves into a size 4 and walk around as if they are America's next top model.

And finally, career choices. I'm sorry, but I don't see what these hoes are so proud of working as medical assistants, receptionists, and sandwich artists at Subway. But apparently filing papers and making cold cut combos makes it okay to walk around like Ivanka Trump, saying things like "stuuuuuuuppppiiiiiidddd" or "ohhhh heeelllllll naawwwww."

This has been a hatin' session with Allen and Nolan. This is also the first time i have ever blogged, so forgive the crude nature of my post. If you have anything to add, please feel free to comment and add your thoughts.

3 Reasons To Avoid Starbucks

OK......What's with the Starbucks craze? Can this shit get anymore frustrating and ridiculous? Now don't get me wrong, it can be good stuff. I even treat myself sometimes. But this shit has gotten way out of control. Here are my top 3 pet peeves about walking into a local Starbucks:

Don't be like this guy. No seriously, dont.

1. Complicated coffee orderers. I know you may think it's "hip" to approach the counter and order a "venti soy decaf triple shot vanilla mocha....." Jesus Christ! It's a cup of coffee, not a fucking 7 course meal! And what's with the size lingo? Dammit...small, medium, large...period!

2. Multi-orderer chick. I get the nice thing and all, you know, being the one to run the errand and score nice points. But what I don't get is why those lazy assholes back at the office can't get off their fat asses and get their own coffee. I was behind some broad the other day when she pulled out this order list for 5 of her coworkers. Of course, none of them could be a simple hot chocolate. Starbucks is crowded enough without having to deal with invisible people and their orders.

3. Laptop computer guy. Here's an inside tip...YOU'RE NOT COOL! You may think we care about how important and sophisticated you look sitting there sipping on your iced caramel macchiato while working on your ill-fated screenplay and checking your empty mailbox. But we don't. Are you that hard up for attention? Shut that shit off and get to your place of employment...if you have one.

You drive a Nissan Altima, not a Lexus

Apparently, these tail light covers are cool.
Yeah, we didn't get the memo either.

Some people make good money. Others, not so much. If you're in the "others" category, that's alright. There's nothing wrong with working hard and not getting paid enough to do it...as long as you accept it.

If you can't accept it, do something to better yourself. Most people who drive a Lexus or other luxury cars can afford them. The ones who can't but still want to be noticed are your average Nissan Altima owners. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with driving an Altima or even a Maxima for that matter, just as long as you stay in your lane!

The fact that you've clicked on this blog already tells me that you know exactly what I'm talking about. We've all seen them on the street. It's the low-income guy/girl in the Altima with the loud stereo system, fart cannon muffler, smoke colored tail light covers, and 20+ inch chrome rims. I can go all day about how they think that the fart cannon muffler automatically makes it a sports car, but Allen or myself will cover that in an upcoming blog so I'll stick to the luxury topic today.

If you're offended at this point, then you're the person I'm talking about. Stop thinking that you drive an E-class or a 7-series. Just because you're mustering up $160 a month for 7 years on a pre-owned Altima from Car Max doesn't make you more important. The fact that you have to park that kind of car out in front of your job at Subway is funny in itself. Why anyone would dump a bunch of money into useless "bling" on their vehicle in an attempt to impress complete strangers on the road is beyond me.

You have every right in America to dress up your car as you want. Just remember that everyone else has the right to laugh at it.