The Gym: More comedy than exercise

Should you choose to continue reading this fine article, you’ll have a better understanding of why I decided to terminate my gym membership. The examples I’m about to give you are not necessarily contained to one particular chain, but damn near all fucking gyms. Why damn near all fucking gyms? Because of the stupid ass people which are members of these workout establishments. Here we go:

Those Asians can never get enough of Math.

1. People are lazy. “But Nolan, why are they lazy? They’re about to go work out!” Oh really? Then why the fuck do people drive around the parking lot for 10 minutes hoping to find the closest parking spot? This is utterly retarded. You’re about to run on the treadmill, lift weights, take a spin class, etc., yet you don’t want to walk an extra 30 feet and park in the next row? Unbefuckinlieveable….and funny.

2. It’s fucking crowded. I’m not getting much of a workout if I’m waiting for 20 minutes just to get on a machine. It makes me laugh when I can’t get some treadmill work in because the dumb bitch who’s occupying it is taking a leisurely walk. WTF! You’re paying $30 a month to drive to the gym and walk? Do that shit around the block and stay the fuck off my machine! It’s too crowded for that dumb shit. I laughed whenever I saw that shit. I got pissed too.

3. The smoothie bar. Why are fat bitches always hanging out at the smoothie bar? It never fucking fails. They could be working out and burning more calories, but they choose to inhale even more calories and sugar by trying to look cool at the bar. News flash – you’re not cool. You’re fucking fat. Trash the liquid pop tart and hit the cardio machines.

4. Bitches are stupid. Have you ever seen the chick that dresses up in the cutest workout clothes but never really does anything? Sure you have. We all have. She’s got the tightest, most fashionable outfit on, yet all she does is parade around the gym hoping to get noticed. How about the bitch that reads a book while on the bicycle or step machine that’s set to about 10 steps per minute. That’s fucking classic. If you can read while “working out”, then you’re not doing it right.

5. Muscle heads. These guys might be my all time personal favorite. When they don’t have their heads in a Muscle & Fitness magazine, they’re looking at themselves in the mirror at the gym. Thank God for mirrors everywhere, or else these clowns wouldn’t be able to get any work done. Someone should also tell these guys that shirts are available with sleeves. It seems like every meat head enters the gym with a cutoff MMA shirt and walks around like he’s frickin’ Tito Ortiz. Hilarious.

If you're one of these people, shame on you! But thanks for the laughs. Now go pretend to work out!