Skinny Jeans - The New/Old Fad

The only thing more irritating than the amount of chicks who wear skinny jeans today is the fact that they think it's a new trend. Welcome back 1985! Within the last couple years or so, the wearing of these über-tight denim pants has gotten way out of control. It's almost as if every fucking female out there traded in all their straight-legs, boot-cuts and flares for skinnies. Does anyone think for themselves anymore?

 

Going to the rodeo never looked better.

For the record, I have no problem with fashion. What I do have a problem with is every chick between the ages of pre-teen and 30 sporting these jeans like they're the only ones wearing them. Chicks tend to strive for uniqueness and individuality. How the fuck can you accomplish that when every other fucking girl is doing the same thing? There are other options out there, you know!

Another thing that makes skinny jeans less unique is the fact that apparently, the variety of footwear that can be worn with them is limited. If I had a nickel for every bitch I've seen wearing these things with stupid ass Uggs or fake Uggs (fuggs), I'd be sailing with Akon on a yacht somewhere in the Caribbean right now. Seriously, what the fuck do you chicks say, "Hey, look at those girls in skinny jeans and Uggs! Let's go do the same fucking thing!" If it's not Uggs then it's sandals or those stupid ass ballerina slippers. And what's with tucking them into these knee-high boots? What, are you trying to dress up like a fuckin' equestrian? Once in awhile I'll see some stuck up bitch try to "dress up her skinny jeans" with a pair of heels. Really? All it takes to "dress up" your skinnies is a $10 pair of pumps from Payless? Holy shit.

The further into the ghetto you get, the more you see these jeans. If you've ever noticed, low-income hood rats and hynas tend to wear these things every single day on the calendar. They're so afraid of being out of style, those things never come off, except for when they remove them to have more illegitimate kids.

Lastly, just when you thought skinny jeans were the shit, BAM..here come the jeggings! As if skinny jeans weren't tight enough! For those of you uneducated on the subject, jeggings are basically lycra-spandex dyed to look like denim. They're leggings that look like jeans - hence the name "jeggings." We are now three seasons into the 21st century's worst fashion trend, in which women suck, pull, and squeeze themselves into denim-colored sausage casings and then waddle around pretending they're wearing blue jeans. Just looking at these tragic hybrid "pants" can cut off a person's circulation. Actually putting on a pair is a clinically proven health hazard.  Boy, do I hate it when fat bitches wear jeggings. You think skinnies give fat bitches a muffin top? Holy poop. The funny part is these stupid hoochies actually think they look good! I'm not sure when this fad will fade out, but it needs to go away like yesterday.

For those of you who think you look good in either skinny jeans or jeggings, no you don't. You look like a fucking ice cream cone. Now let your ankles breathe!

3 Reasons To Punch Ke$ha In The Mouth

Apparently, it doesn’t take much to make a hit song these days. All you need is a keyboard and someone with an average singing voice at best. The song you release doesn’t even have to mean anything. You could just say “blah blah blah” through the whole damn thing and you’ll get nominated for a Teen Choice Award and an MTV Music Video Award. Perfect example? Kesha. Here are 3 reasons she should be donkey-punched in her annoying mouth:

I guess Lady Gaga isn't the only one
trying to hide her penis.



Reason 1: She’s already a stuck up bitch.
Here we have a bitch that’s so into herself, she has a dollar sign instead of an “S” in her name. Let me get this straight. Before you even dropped your first album, you’re implying that you are rollin’ in dough. That’s pretty ballsy from a person who, not too long ago, was living off welfare and food stamps. Jesus, Kesha, even Puffy’s old sidekick Ma$e is laughing at you.

Reason 2: Her songs SUCK.

Allow me to shit on her first single, “Tik Tok.” I’ll get past the part where she spells like she’s still on welfare and move on to how much this song sucks. If the fake ass “valley girl” accent doesn’t annoy the complete shit out of you, the lyrics will. “Wake up in the mornin’ feelin like P.Diddy.” So what does this mean, Kesha? You wake up feelin’ like a successful black man with more talent than you could ever dream of? Ok, I could see that happening. Then there's “Before I leave brush my teeth with a bottle of jack.” This is possibly the most white trash lyric I’ve heard since Larry the Cable Guy’s rendition of “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.” Seriously, if I ever catch you wasting a whole bottle of JD to brush your teeth, I will fucking kill you. And what's with this shit about you kicking guys to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger? Have you seen that guy lately? Holy shit bitch, you must be on some serious crack.

Reason #3: She can’t sing.

Silly me, I thought songs usually rhyme at the end of each lyric. Someone please tell that to this bitch. “Trying on all our clothes, boys blowin’ up our phones.” Someone must’ve swallowed a good amount of that Jack while brushing their teeth to think that clothes and phones fucking rhyme. But then again, I’m sure she’s had a good amount of practice swallowing. It's bad enough that through half her songs, her voice is digitally fucked with. I'd go as far as to say that what she does isn't considered singing, but just talking with a melody behind it. I guess her writers ran out of ideas for lyrics, because at the end of each chorus she yells like fuckin Tarzan to fill the gap where a lyric would normally be.

If you like this slut and her songs, you have a serious problem with your taste in music. I suppose as long as there are immature slutty high school girls around, there will always be a place for a singer talker like Kesha. I just don't know why anyone without "teen" in their age would even listen to this crap. If all it takes to make lots of money is a keyboard and an average talking voice, I'm headed to Guitar Center.....brb. Ok world, get ready for another epic piece of shit song like "Fly like a G6."

Fondue? Fon-DON'T!!

The only thing I hate more than snobby people are the places that cater to them. Eating establishments like The Melting Pot are a great place for stuck up people to recharge their snob batteries. For those of you who’ve never been to The Melting Pot, let me introduce you to the biggest rip-off in the history of mankind.

They won't be smiling once the bill comes!

The Melting Pot isn’t supposed to be just a restaurant, but an experience as well. It’s exactly the type of experience you want to stay as far away from as humanly possible. It may just be me, but the whole point of “going out” is so you don’t have to cook your own food. When I go to a restaurant, I’m under the assumption that they’re providing a chef to cook the shit for me. Now, not only do you cook your own food at this sorry excuse for a restaurant, you pay more to do it.

Let’s start from the moment you walk in the door. You’re already down $100. That’s right, one hundred dead presidents for stale bread, melted cheese, a few toothpicks, a pot of boiling water, and some raw meat. If you’re on a budget, plan on ordering a glass of water, because the alcohol prices are high enough to make Lindsay Lohan not want to drink. After some modest drinking, my alcohol tab had already reached the same as my food. To be honest, I really don’t know how these people sleep at night. I’m surprised the servers aren’t wearing ski masks and carrying automatic weapons.

For your convenience, I’ve created a cash-saving alternative to The Melting Pot. Your shopping list should include: 1 block of Velveeta cheese ($4), 2 large Hershey bars ($2) 1 lb. sirloin steak ($5), 1 loaf day-old French bread ($2), 1 box of toothpicks ($3), case of 20 Bud Light longnecks ($14). Add Velveeta to a small crockpot. Cut your sirloin and bread into bite-size pieces. Bring a pot of water to a boil. Repeat crockpot scenario with your Hershey bars. There you have it! A fondue evening for about $30. Eat your heart out, Rachel Ray!

What the fuck is it about The Melting Pot that continues to draw people in? It’s typical of the snobs of the planet to feel validated by overpaying for average food. It also gives chicks a reason to dress up like sluts. It’s just too bad that the eye candy fills me up more than the food does.