When did Halloween become slutty?

I am now a firm believer that chicks will use any reason available to dress up like sluts. Case in point - Halloween. When did Halloween become a reason for chicks to dress up like prostitutes?

I'm sure guys won't think less of them.

Correct me if I'm wrong (which I'm not, so don't waste your time) but wasn't Halloween created to scare off the spirits with hideous looking costumes? Somehow over time that ritual evolved to include humorous costumes, look-a-like costumes, and now slutty costumes. At first, I was hesitant about writing a blog on this topic. What made me go for it was the fact that the Friday before Halloween I witnessed a handful of high school girls walking home in a slutty nurse outfit, a very short French maid outfit, and the skimpiest Pocahontas costume I've ever seen. How these girls were able to stay at school dressed like that is beyond me. If one of them so much as coughed, it woulda looked like a party favor coming out of their skirts. Personally, I wouldn't have let my 15 or 16 year old daughter out of the fucking house looking like that.

I'm not sure if this is an attention thing or what. It must be, because I don't buy the excuse of "we do it because it looks cute." That's the most bullshit excuse I've heard since "I got a new phone and didn't have your number." Chicks who dress like that know exactly what they're doing. They want and crave the attention it brings. What pisses guys off about that is the fact that when guys look at the dumb bitches with short skirts and low cut tops, these sluts get all mad and call us perverts. Stupid cunts. If you don't like guys looking, stop advertising!!

It's not just Halloween that chicks take the opportunity to dress like hookers; Vegas, court dates, birthday parties, weddings, and nights out at the club or bars are all awesome excuses to dress like a call girl. Halloween however has quickly become the biggest excuse to show off some tits, legs, and ass. It's funny to me how it's these same hoes that complain about how they can't find a decent guy. News flash - if you dress like that around any guy, the last thing they're thinking is "I wonder what's the last book she's read." In reality, they're thinking "I wonder if she could suck a basketball through a tennis racket?"

Gone are the days of leaving something to the imagination. These bitches lay it all out to get the attention that daddy didn't give them. What these sluts don't realize is they're only viewed as T&A. As long as they don't have a problem with that, guys will keep treating them like cum dumpsters.

Skinny Jeans - The New/Old Fad

The only thing more irritating than the amount of chicks who wear skinny jeans today is the fact that they think it's a new trend. Welcome back 1985! Within the last couple years or so, the wearing of these über-tight denim pants has gotten way out of control. It's almost as if every fucking female out there traded in all their straight-legs, boot-cuts and flares for skinnies. Does anyone think for themselves anymore?

 

Going to the rodeo never looked better.

For the record, I have no problem with fashion. What I do have a problem with is every chick between the ages of pre-teen and 30 sporting these jeans like they're the only ones wearing them. Chicks tend to strive for uniqueness and individuality. How the fuck can you accomplish that when every other fucking girl is doing the same thing? There are other options out there, you know!

Another thing that makes skinny jeans less unique is the fact that apparently, the variety of footwear that can be worn with them is limited. If I had a nickel for every bitch I've seen wearing these things with stupid ass Uggs or fake Uggs (fuggs), I'd be sailing with Akon on a yacht somewhere in the Caribbean right now. Seriously, what the fuck do you chicks say, "Hey, look at those girls in skinny jeans and Uggs! Let's go do the same fucking thing!" If it's not Uggs then it's sandals or those stupid ass ballerina slippers. And what's with tucking them into these knee-high boots? What, are you trying to dress up like a fuckin' equestrian? Once in awhile I'll see some stuck up bitch try to "dress up her skinny jeans" with a pair of heels. Really? All it takes to "dress up" your skinnies is a $10 pair of pumps from Payless? Holy shit.

The further into the ghetto you get, the more you see these jeans. If you've ever noticed, low-income hood rats and hynas tend to wear these things every single day on the calendar. They're so afraid of being out of style, those things never come off, except for when they remove them to have more illegitimate kids.

Lastly, just when you thought skinny jeans were the shit, BAM..here come the jeggings! As if skinny jeans weren't tight enough! For those of you uneducated on the subject, jeggings are basically lycra-spandex dyed to look like denim. They're leggings that look like jeans - hence the name "jeggings." We are now three seasons into the 21st century's worst fashion trend, in which women suck, pull, and squeeze themselves into denim-colored sausage casings and then waddle around pretending they're wearing blue jeans. Just looking at these tragic hybrid "pants" can cut off a person's circulation. Actually putting on a pair is a clinically proven health hazard.  Boy, do I hate it when fat bitches wear jeggings. You think skinnies give fat bitches a muffin top? Holy poop. The funny part is these stupid hoochies actually think they look good! I'm not sure when this fad will fade out, but it needs to go away like yesterday.

For those of you who think you look good in either skinny jeans or jeggings, no you don't. You look like a fucking ice cream cone. Now let your ankles breathe!

Let’s Nuke Santa Ana

The first thing you’re gonna say when you read this is “Nolan, you’re just a hater against Mexicans.” You’re absolutely right. But only the bad ones! Although not all Hispanics suck the life out of our great state, most of them do, and this particular article focuses on the ones inhabiting the ass crack of Orange County.

 

Poor homie. He thinks he's still tough.

When I hear the name “Santa Ana”, one phrase comes to mind – piece of shit. Not only is this sorry excuse for a city filthy, it’s filled with the most low-life pieces of crap in the entire universe. The only reason why other cities like Huntington Park, Vernon, West Covina, Bell Gardens, and Pomona don’t beat out Santa Ana on the ‘Piece-Of-Shit-O-Meter’ is because Santa Ana has more square mileage.

 

Now, let’s run down a few reasons why we should nuke Santa Ana right off the Thomas Guide. These are just a FEW reasons, because I don’t have 6 months to talk about them all.



1. Gangs. Feel like getting stabbed or shot while minding your own business? Take a leisurely stroll down Bristol Ave or 17^th Street. This city is filled with so many pieces of wannabe gangster shit it’s ridiculous. The safest time to visit is between 8am and Noon, because these so-called thugs are planning their next drive-by inside their classroom at the continuation high school. Every single day there’s a story in the paper about gang violence in this craphole. Guys like “Baby Joker” and “Droopy” think they’re tough by getting a tattoo of their last name on their back, wearing clothes 3 sizes too big, and shooting at unarmed people. Some even refer to themselves as “soldiers.” Well, if these guys are so tough, maybe they won’t have a problem with taking their skills to Afghanistan, right…ese?



2. Pregnant hynas. These stupid bitches should be deported on the spot. So you live in a run-down apartment complex, you work the counter at Del Taco (if you’re even employed), you have no insurance, yet you continue to pop out illegitimate children? Holy fucking shit. This irritates the living shit out of me. I work my ass off every day, even gone to war for this country, and these stupid hoes get to lay back, pop out kids, and mooch off the state for free. God bless America.



3. Mexican Independence Day Festivals. Viva Mexico! Yup, Mexico is so awesome and so great, that nobody wants to live there! I hate seeing these super uneducated welfare recipients on the news celebrating an independence day for a country they want nothing to do with. They wave a Mexican flag, have a Mexican flag sticker on the back of their Tahoe, shout “viva Mexico”, and yet they live in Santa Ana. It should be open-season on these low-life pieces of shit. What’s even worse – the city shuts down streets so they can celebrate this shit.

4. Santa Ana Unified School District. According to the California Dept. of Education, out of the top 10 worst performing schools in the entire state, Santa Ana has 4 of them. 4 OF THEM! IN ONE FUCKING CITY! We’d be better off shutting down the high schools and opening Fast Food Universities instead. It makes sense since that’s where most of these Spanish speaking retards are headed anyways. Either that, or a fulfilling career in lawncare. Here’s a suggestion: stop teaching classes in Spanish and make these future welfare recipients learn English! Geez, where’s Jaime Escalante when you need him?

These are just a few reasons I think we should dispose of the entire city of Santa Ana. Maybe in the future, part 2 of this blog will be brought forth. If there's anything about this craptastic city you'd like to burn on, by all means, please contribute! We'd love to hear your thoughts.

The iTurd - I'm sure someone would buy it.

The economy is down. BULLSHIT! The economy is not down when millions of consumers drop insane amounts of cash into stupid ass shit.

Next stop - the social services line
to file for food stamps.

Case in point - Apple's aresenal of overpriced electronics starting with the letter "i". Shit like the iPhone is single-handedly responsible for the steep decline in patience with Americans. As if they needed another reason to be impatient. When are Americans gonna wake up and realize they don't need that shit and can live without Youtube on their phones? Probably never.

I remember when just having a cell phone was awesome. Not only were cell phones extremely convenient, they also saved lives the minute they were released. Now, it's gone completely out of control. People freak out if they can't get service on their smartphone so they can log on to Facebook. God forbid you actually go a few hours without getting on the internet.

Why do people go crazy everytime Apple releases a new item? Beats the fucking living shit out of me! People complain about the price of gas, but are quick to drop $500+ on a new iPad. How many versions of the same product can Apple come out with? Apparently, as long as dumbshit consumers keep buying these things, Apple will keep tweaking the shit out of their products. They know people will line up and buy whatever it is that they come out with, simply because it's "the new thing." Don't tell me the economy is down when retards like the ones in the photo above keep dropping their money on stupid, senseless luxuries.

I am 100% convinced that Apple can come out with the iTurd and there will be thousands of morons lining up to buy it. God Bless America.

The Gym: More comedy than exercise

Should you choose to continue reading this fine article, you’ll have a better understanding of why I decided to terminate my gym membership. The examples I’m about to give you are not necessarily contained to one particular chain, but damn near all fucking gyms. Why damn near all fucking gyms? Because of the stupid ass people which are members of these workout establishments. Here we go:

Those Asians can never get enough of Math.

1. People are lazy. “But Nolan, why are they lazy? They’re about to go work out!” Oh really? Then why the fuck do people drive around the parking lot for 10 minutes hoping to find the closest parking spot? This is utterly retarded. You’re about to run on the treadmill, lift weights, take a spin class, etc., yet you don’t want to walk an extra 30 feet and park in the next row? Unbefuckinlieveable….and funny.

2. It’s fucking crowded. I’m not getting much of a workout if I’m waiting for 20 minutes just to get on a machine. It makes me laugh when I can’t get some treadmill work in because the dumb bitch who’s occupying it is taking a leisurely walk. WTF! You’re paying $30 a month to drive to the gym and walk? Do that shit around the block and stay the fuck off my machine! It’s too crowded for that dumb shit. I laughed whenever I saw that shit. I got pissed too.

3. The smoothie bar. Why are fat bitches always hanging out at the smoothie bar? It never fucking fails. They could be working out and burning more calories, but they choose to inhale even more calories and sugar by trying to look cool at the bar. News flash – you’re not cool. You’re fucking fat. Trash the liquid pop tart and hit the cardio machines.

4. Bitches are stupid. Have you ever seen the chick that dresses up in the cutest workout clothes but never really does anything? Sure you have. We all have. She’s got the tightest, most fashionable outfit on, yet all she does is parade around the gym hoping to get noticed. How about the bitch that reads a book while on the bicycle or step machine that’s set to about 10 steps per minute. That’s fucking classic. If you can read while “working out”, then you’re not doing it right.

5. Muscle heads. These guys might be my all time personal favorite. When they don’t have their heads in a Muscle & Fitness magazine, they’re looking at themselves in the mirror at the gym. Thank God for mirrors everywhere, or else these clowns wouldn’t be able to get any work done. Someone should also tell these guys that shirts are available with sleeves. It seems like every meat head enters the gym with a cutoff MMA shirt and walks around like he’s frickin’ Tito Ortiz. Hilarious.

If you're one of these people, shame on you! But thanks for the laughs. Now go pretend to work out!

When did Scions become cool?

These cars are stupid. I'd leave it at just that statement, but then it wouldn't be much of a blog now, would it? Ever since these ugly things debuted a few years back, Generation Y idiots started modifying every square inch of their new economy rides.

We're hoping those rims are glow-in-the-dark.

Let's start with the Xb. This fucking ugly over-sized toaster with an engine is quite possibly the most craptastic thing I've seen in a while. Jesus Christ, even Kia is making fun of these things. Engineers spent years structuring vehicles to be more aerodynamic and Toyota fucks it all up and makes a box. You heard me right, I said Toyota. Because apparently, there's a lot of low-income fucks out there who can't even afford a Toyota, so the mighty auto company had to create a cheaper brand. I'll tell you what, there's nothing cooler than tricking out a $14k metal box. These fools roll around like they're the shit. That is, when they're not working the graveyard shift at Wal-Mart stocking shelves. Hey, at least they're not passing out the happy face stickers at the entrance. But they're pretty goddamn close!

Besides the stupid ass box with wheels, the brainiacs at Toyota also came up with the Scion Tc. Just when you thought there couldn't be a cheaper version of the Honda Civic, eh? Boy do people think they're hot shit in these clown cars. What does your average driver of one of these things do the second they take it off the lot? They high speed it over to Pep Boys to rice the fuckin' thing out. It gets lowered, new rims, a fart cannon muffler, window tint, and all of a sudden, they're ready to race Vin Diesel. I guess they're so embarrassed that they can only afford a Toyota knockoff, that they feel they have to modify it to make it look cool. The only problem is, now they look way fuckin' worse.

I love Scion guy as he weaves in and out of lanes. His Scion is so fast and powerful, he can beat anyone who isn't racing him. For the record, if you own or lease a Scion, and it's all you can afford, I'm not hatin' on you. However, if you're the retard who dumps your Carls Jr. paycheck into useless mods on a Toyota budget machine, just know one thing; Nobody is checking out your ride because they like it. They're simply laughing at all the dumb shit you put on your car. Just remember...you drive a Scion, not a Formula 1 race car. Now stop reading this and go get some cool car club stickers to put all over your windows. Idiot.

Hynas, Part 1: Individuality...or lack thereof.

Hello everyone, this part of our blog is brought to you by: Hynas. Now, in order to fully convey our disgust with this subculture of females ranging in ages 15 to 25, this will have to be a several part series.

Not even Costco has muffin tops this big.

A "Hyna" is defined by the Urban Dictionary as "a HOT Chicana in the Barrio, keeping it real." This definition could not be further from the truth. This part is about the individuality, or lack there of, among hynas who can be easily identified by their trademarks: Stenciled-on eyebrows, black lip liner with no lipstick on, the crunchy hair sustained by a can and a half of Aqua Net, the big hoop earrings, the black bra underneath the white tank top, and last but not least, the skinny jeans tucked into the Uggs in 95 degree heat.

The question I ask myself every time I see 15 year old Guadalupe walking down the street, pushing a baby in her stroller with another in the oven, is why do they think they are so unique if they dress and act exactly like every other hyna? I have a unique insight into this (having dated a hyna for a short period of time) and my theory is this; hynas are so unhappy with their mediocrity that they have to cling to anything they can to make themselves unique. Be it their style of dress, attitude, the car they drive, or the careers they choose, sadly these are all the same.

With their background now established, lets get to the hatin. I hate when these hynas walk around acting like they are so different from everyone else when they are exactly the same in every way. They all have the same stupid 'holier than thou' attitude, even though most of them work as a receptionist making less than $10 an hour. Yet you always see them texting on their brand new Droid or iPhone, while driving their leased Altimas with rent- to-own 20" rims. Along with the attitude comes the style of dress, which are the skinny jeans, Ugg boots, stupid bug eye sunglasses, and the crunchy hair. Of course they think they all look good (and i'll admit some do), but then you have the muffin toppin' ones who are like 300 pounds, but still squeeze themselves into a size 4 and walk around as if they are America's next top model.

And finally, career choices. I'm sorry, but I don't see what these hoes are so proud of working as medical assistants, receptionists, and sandwich artists at Subway. But apparently filing papers and making cold cut combos makes it okay to walk around like Ivanka Trump, saying things like "stuuuuuuuppppiiiiiidddd" or "ohhhh heeelllllll naawwwww."

This has been a hatin' session with Allen and Nolan. This is also the first time i have ever blogged, so forgive the crude nature of my post. If you have anything to add, please feel free to comment and add your thoughts.

3 Reasons To Avoid Starbucks

OK......What's with the Starbucks craze? Can this shit get anymore frustrating and ridiculous? Now don't get me wrong, it can be good stuff. I even treat myself sometimes. But this shit has gotten way out of control. Here are my top 3 pet peeves about walking into a local Starbucks:

Don't be like this guy. No seriously, dont.

1. Complicated coffee orderers. I know you may think it's "hip" to approach the counter and order a "venti soy decaf triple shot vanilla mocha....." Jesus Christ! It's a cup of coffee, not a fucking 7 course meal! And what's with the size lingo? Dammit...small, medium, large...period!

2. Multi-orderer chick. I get the nice thing and all, you know, being the one to run the errand and score nice points. But what I don't get is why those lazy assholes back at the office can't get off their fat asses and get their own coffee. I was behind some broad the other day when she pulled out this order list for 5 of her coworkers. Of course, none of them could be a simple hot chocolate. Starbucks is crowded enough without having to deal with invisible people and their orders.

3. Laptop computer guy. Here's an inside tip...YOU'RE NOT COOL! You may think we care about how important and sophisticated you look sitting there sipping on your iced caramel macchiato while working on your ill-fated screenplay and checking your empty mailbox. But we don't. Are you that hard up for attention? Shut that shit off and get to your place of employment...if you have one.