It's Summer...Put The Fucking Uggs Away!

Hoes. They'll do anything to make sure they're always in style, even if it means giving up more sensible things in life. But hey, at least they have those Uggs. In what to me is a more marketable version of snow boots, Uggs have captured the fashion sense of females ages early-teens to mid-20's for the last coupe of years. Why? Beats the living shit out of me.

Is it hot enough to wear a mini skirt, or
cold enough to wear Uggs? We're confused.

Unless they're being worn in late December around the ski lifts, they have no business being worn in the Summer in Southern California. Coupled with the wearing of skinny jeans, Uggs (or often Ugg imitations) provide little to no ventilation of the feet. Can you imagine the stank that is going on down there? I asked a co-worker not too long ago why Uggs were such a trendy hit. She replied, "Because when it rains, it keeps our jeans from getting wet and ruined." This was obviously a bullshit excuse, considering two points: A) It rains a total of 3 fucking days here per year in Orange County, and B) Bitches are currently wearing them in August, when the thermometer topped 100° for almost 2 weeks straight.

My personal take on the wearing of Uggs in the Summer is that the bitches who wear them spent all of their money on those overpriced snow boots and now they don't have any money left to buy a pair of fucking sandals.

I'd like to say that I'm not a huge fan of trends as it is. I like individuality, and you can't achieve that when every other bitch is doing the same thing. As my partner in crime stated in his rant on Hynas, it's funny how girls (especially Hynas) walk around thinking they're so unique. Well news flash - you're not unique when every other chick in your age group is wearing the same thing, doing their hair the same way, and carrying the same over-sized hand bags.

In conclusion, Uggs are not cute. They're fucking stupid. You might only find one or two guys who don't think they look retarded, and most likely they're just telling you that so they can get in your skinny jeans. If you're planning a trip this Winter to Mammoth, by all means, knock yourselves out. In the meantime, take those fucking things off and leave them in the closet next to the knee-high hooker boots.

You have a debit card. Use it!

Go debit, or go fuck yourself.

Let's get right into it. Going to the grocery store is already a hell of a chore, so why make the experience worse than it already is? If you go to pay at the checkout register and you pull out a fucking checkbook, keep reading - cause you're an asshole!

Welcome to the fuckin' 21st Century, where convenience is everywhere and technology is at it's best.

Long gone are the days of forgetting the checkbook at home, misplacing your pen, and oh ya...writing checks at the damn grocery store! It's bullshit. Don't mind me, I'm just trying to get in and out in a timely fashion. The last thing I need is to get in "that line" with the douche bag who watches every item go past the scanner, waits to hear the total from the cashier, and THEN pulls out the fucking checkbook and starts to fill it out. I guess filling in the known elements like the date, your signature, and I don't know, the name of the fucking store is too easy huh? I was behind this one tool bag not too long ago where he had to ask the cashier what fucking store he was in. Are you fucking kidding me? Unacceptable.

If you have a checking account here in the year 2010, you have a goddamn debit card. It's so easy, fast, and doesn't require you remembering your pen. Jesus, it's like debit cards are fucking kryptonite to check writers. "But Nolan, I like keeping track of all my purchases." Yeah, me too. It's called online fucking banking. Also gone are the days of playing the "time game". You remember that game, being able to write a check 3 days before payday knowing it wouldn't be cashed while your broke ass was waiting to get paid. That was the last known advantage to using a check. Now, they have these high-speed scanners that tell them if your broke ass is writing a check with no money behind it. Busted!

Look, there are still uses for checks these days; Private debt, mortgage, some bills, but NOT to purchase your wheaties and lean cuisine. Just remember, if you're still holding on to the long-passed era of check writing at the store, millions upon millions of people fucking hate you. Including me.

Hynas, Part 1: Individuality...or lack thereof.

Hello everyone, this part of our blog is brought to you by: Hynas. Now, in order to fully convey our disgust with this subculture of females ranging in ages 15 to 25, this will have to be a several part series.

Not even Costco has muffin tops this big.

A "Hyna" is defined by the Urban Dictionary as "a HOT Chicana in the Barrio, keeping it real." This definition could not be further from the truth. This part is about the individuality, or lack there of, among hynas who can be easily identified by their trademarks: Stenciled-on eyebrows, black lip liner with no lipstick on, the crunchy hair sustained by a can and a half of Aqua Net, the big hoop earrings, the black bra underneath the white tank top, and last but not least, the skinny jeans tucked into the Uggs in 95 degree heat.

The question I ask myself every time I see 15 year old Guadalupe walking down the street, pushing a baby in her stroller with another in the oven, is why do they think they are so unique if they dress and act exactly like every other hyna? I have a unique insight into this (having dated a hyna for a short period of time) and my theory is this; hynas are so unhappy with their mediocrity that they have to cling to anything they can to make themselves unique. Be it their style of dress, attitude, the car they drive, or the careers they choose, sadly these are all the same.

With their background now established, lets get to the hatin. I hate when these hynas walk around acting like they are so different from everyone else when they are exactly the same in every way. They all have the same stupid 'holier than thou' attitude, even though most of them work as a receptionist making less than $10 an hour. Yet you always see them texting on their brand new Droid or iPhone, while driving their leased Altimas with rent- to-own 20" rims. Along with the attitude comes the style of dress, which are the skinny jeans, Ugg boots, stupid bug eye sunglasses, and the crunchy hair. Of course they think they all look good (and i'll admit some do), but then you have the muffin toppin' ones who are like 300 pounds, but still squeeze themselves into a size 4 and walk around as if they are America's next top model.

And finally, career choices. I'm sorry, but I don't see what these hoes are so proud of working as medical assistants, receptionists, and sandwich artists at Subway. But apparently filing papers and making cold cut combos makes it okay to walk around like Ivanka Trump, saying things like "stuuuuuuuppppiiiiiidddd" or "ohhhh heeelllllll naawwwww."

This has been a hatin' session with Allen and Nolan. This is also the first time i have ever blogged, so forgive the crude nature of my post. If you have anything to add, please feel free to comment and add your thoughts.

3 Reasons To Avoid Starbucks

OK......What's with the Starbucks craze? Can this shit get anymore frustrating and ridiculous? Now don't get me wrong, it can be good stuff. I even treat myself sometimes. But this shit has gotten way out of control. Here are my top 3 pet peeves about walking into a local Starbucks:

Don't be like this guy. No seriously, dont.

1. Complicated coffee orderers. I know you may think it's "hip" to approach the counter and order a "venti soy decaf triple shot vanilla mocha....." Jesus Christ! It's a cup of coffee, not a fucking 7 course meal! And what's with the size lingo? Dammit...small, medium, large...period!

2. Multi-orderer chick. I get the nice thing and all, you know, being the one to run the errand and score nice points. But what I don't get is why those lazy assholes back at the office can't get off their fat asses and get their own coffee. I was behind some broad the other day when she pulled out this order list for 5 of her coworkers. Of course, none of them could be a simple hot chocolate. Starbucks is crowded enough without having to deal with invisible people and their orders.

3. Laptop computer guy. Here's an inside tip...YOU'RE NOT COOL! You may think we care about how important and sophisticated you look sitting there sipping on your iced caramel macchiato while working on your ill-fated screenplay and checking your empty mailbox. But we don't. Are you that hard up for attention? Shut that shit off and get to your place of employment...if you have one.

You drive a Nissan Altima, not a Lexus

Apparently, these tail light covers are cool.
Yeah, we didn't get the memo either.

Some people make good money. Others, not so much. If you're in the "others" category, that's alright. There's nothing wrong with working hard and not getting paid enough to do it...as long as you accept it.

If you can't accept it, do something to better yourself. Most people who drive a Lexus or other luxury cars can afford them. The ones who can't but still want to be noticed are your average Nissan Altima owners. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with driving an Altima or even a Maxima for that matter, just as long as you stay in your lane!

The fact that you've clicked on this blog already tells me that you know exactly what I'm talking about. We've all seen them on the street. It's the low-income guy/girl in the Altima with the loud stereo system, fart cannon muffler, smoke colored tail light covers, and 20+ inch chrome rims. I can go all day about how they think that the fart cannon muffler automatically makes it a sports car, but Allen or myself will cover that in an upcoming blog so I'll stick to the luxury topic today.

If you're offended at this point, then you're the person I'm talking about. Stop thinking that you drive an E-class or a 7-series. Just because you're mustering up $160 a month for 7 years on a pre-owned Altima from Car Max doesn't make you more important. The fact that you have to park that kind of car out in front of your job at Subway is funny in itself. Why anyone would dump a bunch of money into useless "bling" on their vehicle in an attempt to impress complete strangers on the road is beyond me.

You have every right in America to dress up your car as you want. Just remember that everyone else has the right to laugh at it.