Fondue? Fon-DON'T!!

The only thing I hate more than snobby people are the places that cater to them. Eating establishments like The Melting Pot are a great place for stuck up people to recharge their snob batteries. For those of you who’ve never been to The Melting Pot, let me introduce you to the biggest rip-off in the history of mankind.

They won't be smiling once the bill comes!

The Melting Pot isn’t supposed to be just a restaurant, but an experience as well. It’s exactly the type of experience you want to stay as far away from as humanly possible. It may just be me, but the whole point of “going out” is so you don’t have to cook your own food. When I go to a restaurant, I’m under the assumption that they’re providing a chef to cook the shit for me. Now, not only do you cook your own food at this sorry excuse for a restaurant, you pay more to do it.

Let’s start from the moment you walk in the door. You’re already down $100. That’s right, one hundred dead presidents for stale bread, melted cheese, a few toothpicks, a pot of boiling water, and some raw meat. If you’re on a budget, plan on ordering a glass of water, because the alcohol prices are high enough to make Lindsay Lohan not want to drink. After some modest drinking, my alcohol tab had already reached the same as my food. To be honest, I really don’t know how these people sleep at night. I’m surprised the servers aren’t wearing ski masks and carrying automatic weapons.

For your convenience, I’ve created a cash-saving alternative to The Melting Pot. Your shopping list should include: 1 block of Velveeta cheese ($4), 2 large Hershey bars ($2) 1 lb. sirloin steak ($5), 1 loaf day-old French bread ($2), 1 box of toothpicks ($3), case of 20 Bud Light longnecks ($14). Add Velveeta to a small crockpot. Cut your sirloin and bread into bite-size pieces. Bring a pot of water to a boil. Repeat crockpot scenario with your Hershey bars. There you have it! A fondue evening for about $30. Eat your heart out, Rachel Ray!

What the fuck is it about The Melting Pot that continues to draw people in? It’s typical of the snobs of the planet to feel validated by overpaying for average food. It also gives chicks a reason to dress up like sluts. It’s just too bad that the eye candy fills me up more than the food does.

3 Reasons To Avoid Starbucks

OK......What's with the Starbucks craze? Can this shit get anymore frustrating and ridiculous? Now don't get me wrong, it can be good stuff. I even treat myself sometimes. But this shit has gotten way out of control. Here are my top 3 pet peeves about walking into a local Starbucks:

Don't be like this guy. No seriously, dont.

1. Complicated coffee orderers. I know you may think it's "hip" to approach the counter and order a "venti soy decaf triple shot vanilla mocha....." Jesus Christ! It's a cup of coffee, not a fucking 7 course meal! And what's with the size lingo? Dammit...small, medium, large...period!

2. Multi-orderer chick. I get the nice thing and all, you know, being the one to run the errand and score nice points. But what I don't get is why those lazy assholes back at the office can't get off their fat asses and get their own coffee. I was behind some broad the other day when she pulled out this order list for 5 of her coworkers. Of course, none of them could be a simple hot chocolate. Starbucks is crowded enough without having to deal with invisible people and their orders.

3. Laptop computer guy. Here's an inside tip...YOU'RE NOT COOL! You may think we care about how important and sophisticated you look sitting there sipping on your iced caramel macchiato while working on your ill-fated screenplay and checking your empty mailbox. But we don't. Are you that hard up for attention? Shut that shit off and get to your place of employment...if you have one.