‘Tis The Season….for idiots!

I could’ve sworn the holiday season was supposed to be the one time of year where everyone is nice to each other. Not in California it isn’t! Just when you think people couldn’t get more rude and obnoxious, just add two ingredients – the mall and Christmas.

Holy shit, get a life. That is all.

California The United States is already bad enough with everyone’s “me first” attitude out in public. People just don’t give a shit about one another anymore. Whether it be on the road, in the mall, or anywhere else, there’s too much “fuck you” and not enough “go ahead.” The holidays only amplifies this problem by 3,000 percent. I guess you can blame shit like smartphones and vehicles with increased power for amplifying the Attention Deficit Disorder in Americans. Everyone wants instant gratification. They can no longer wait for anything. If something takes longer than 2 minutes, people whine, bitch, moan, and complain.

Riddle me this, Batman – Why do people drive around the parking structure for 30 minutes looking for the closest spot when they obviously have no problem walking around the mall for 3 hours? You have the dickheads who will block traffic while they sit with their blinker on, the sluts who walk in the middle of the road and think traffic will yield to them, the tool bag who parks his 1995 Civic directly on the middle of the line and takes up 2 spaces because he thinks he drives a Bugatti Veyron, and the crack whores who see that you’re waiting for their spot and take their sweet ass fuckin time.

Then, you enter the mall. You have the people who don’t think twice as they bump into you in order to get by, the stupid bitch slowing everyone down because she’s too busy texting with her head up her ass, and my personal favorite, the whore who is walking in the flow of traffic and stops out of nowhere, as if she’s the only person in the entire fucking mall. It’s a proven fact that when you get a large group of random people together, stupid shit happens. Don’t even get me started on Black Friday. I love the unemployed losers who camp out in front of Best Buy a week before in order to save a few bucks on an Ipod they don’t need. Then, when the doors open, people stampede and trample one another for fuckin material things. People have lost their friggin minds.

It's no wonder online shopping has rapidly increased over the past few years. You don't have to deal with fuckin idiots. You can also be like me and order your gifts while sitting naked in a bean bag chair and eating cheetos. I have no other colorful insight here. If you're one of those idiots, go fuck yourself!!

Tombstones Belong In The Cemetery



It's already a given that nobody in this fuckin' country can just leave their car the fuck alone. Everyone has to do something to make themselves stand out. My question today: When the fuck did rear windows become epitaphs?



54 years is a long time to use a condom!

I don't know how to say it any simpler than this, but, nobody on the road cares about who died in your life! Whether it be "Grandma Rosemary" or "Uncle Jim" that shit is something that should be left in the cemetery and not on your fucking car. All it takes is one fucking idiot to do something retarded and people follow like damn lemmings. You seriously thing putting a "In Loving Memory" sticker on your rear window is trendy? Think again, cupcake!

One response I received from one of these offenders was "I did it to honor them." Bullshit. The first automobile in this country came off the production line in 1908. People had 100 years worth of chances to "honor someone" on their rides, but didn't. Do you know why? Because it's fucking stupid.

People on the streets and freeways don't need to be reminded of death, much less the deceased of someone they've never met. Why do people insist on putting this shit out for complete strangers to see? Understand that I'm not completely insensitive. I get the whole wanting to remember them thing. Just keep that shit in one of three places: Your house, your body (remembrance tats are acceptable), or the damn cemetery. Period, end of story. In the age where people will do anything to stand out, this is one thing we definitely don't need. If you're one of the motorists who've done this, read the following sentence. Stop trying to draw attention to yourselves!

Oh, and for those of you who just said to yourselves "I didn't do it to draw attention to myself," that's 100% bullshit! You honestly think a huge ass epitaph on your window isn't drawing attention? Guess again. Why else would you put it on the outside of your car for all to see? Why not put it on the inside? Like on your dashboard or glove compartment where you can be reminded of that person everyday? Oh, that's right, because people won't be able to see it inside. Your car doesn't need to be a mobile tombstone. Stop it. Just stop. Stop I said!

Remember Music Television?

In 1981, MTV launched a new generation of music by airing the very first music video “Video Killed The Radio Star” by The Buggles. What a difference 12 years can make. Although the 1993 premiere of “Beavis and Butthead” broke up the monotony of nothing but music videos (and was funny as shit), it began the era of what is now 0% music and 100% piece of shit reality television.

"Hey Beavis, remember when like... uhhh...
MTV had videos and stuff?"

If you turn on MTV at any given time throughout the day, you will not see any form of music television. Instead, what you’ll find are shows featuring pregnant 16 year-old sluts, fat bitches who want to be made into a prom queen, obnoxious drama-laden idiots from New Jersey, and meaningless duels between washed-up MTV reality stars of yesterday.

The reality craze got so bad on MTV, that in 1996 Viacom had to create MTV2 so that videos could still be played. Today, you have to fuckin go to MTV8 just to catch a glimpse of a video. Not that videos today are any good, considering it’s all the same shit – a bunch of studio gangsters shoving their grill in the camera while showing off a bunch of fancy cars they don’t own. Music videos today are more like short movies. All of a sudden, it takes 15 minutes to get through a 4 minute song.

Why anyone wastes their time watching any of the craptastic shit MTV airs is beyond me. Personally, I enjoy living my own life. I don't need to be sucked into some random idiot's drama. If you don't have any drama in your life and you watch this shit to get your fix, then you have a serious problem. Get help. Everyone wants to be a fuckin reality star; and the only reason they can be is beacause of the dumb ass people who watch the shit.

Let's trash the shows about rich kid's birthdays and give me some cool videos like "Take On Me." I want my MTV back!

When did Halloween become slutty?

I am now a firm believer that chicks will use any reason available to dress up like sluts. Case in point - Halloween. When did Halloween become a reason for chicks to dress up like prostitutes?

I'm sure guys won't think less of them.

Correct me if I'm wrong (which I'm not, so don't waste your time) but wasn't Halloween created to scare off the spirits with hideous looking costumes? Somehow over time that ritual evolved to include humorous costumes, look-a-like costumes, and now slutty costumes. At first, I was hesitant about writing a blog on this topic. What made me go for it was the fact that the Friday before Halloween I witnessed a handful of high school girls walking home in a slutty nurse outfit, a very short French maid outfit, and the skimpiest Pocahontas costume I've ever seen. How these girls were able to stay at school dressed like that is beyond me. If one of them so much as coughed, it woulda looked like a party favor coming out of their skirts. Personally, I wouldn't have let my 15 or 16 year old daughter out of the fucking house looking like that.

I'm not sure if this is an attention thing or what. It must be, because I don't buy the excuse of "we do it because it looks cute." That's the most bullshit excuse I've heard since "I got a new phone and didn't have your number." Chicks who dress like that know exactly what they're doing. They want and crave the attention it brings. What pisses guys off about that is the fact that when guys look at the dumb bitches with short skirts and low cut tops, these sluts get all mad and call us perverts. Stupid cunts. If you don't like guys looking, stop advertising!!

It's not just Halloween that chicks take the opportunity to dress like hookers; Vegas, court dates, birthday parties, weddings, and nights out at the club or bars are all awesome excuses to dress like a call girl. Halloween however has quickly become the biggest excuse to show off some tits, legs, and ass. It's funny to me how it's these same hoes that complain about how they can't find a decent guy. News flash - if you dress like that around any guy, the last thing they're thinking is "I wonder what's the last book she's read." In reality, they're thinking "I wonder if she could suck a basketball through a tennis racket?"

Gone are the days of leaving something to the imagination. These bitches lay it all out to get the attention that daddy didn't give them. What these sluts don't realize is they're only viewed as T&A. As long as they don't have a problem with that, guys will keep treating them like cum dumpsters.

Skinny Jeans - The New/Old Fad

The only thing more irritating than the amount of chicks who wear skinny jeans today is the fact that they think it's a new trend. Welcome back 1985! Within the last couple years or so, the wearing of these über-tight denim pants has gotten way out of control. It's almost as if every fucking female out there traded in all their straight-legs, boot-cuts and flares for skinnies. Does anyone think for themselves anymore?

 

Going to the rodeo never looked better.

For the record, I have no problem with fashion. What I do have a problem with is every chick between the ages of pre-teen and 30 sporting these jeans like they're the only ones wearing them. Chicks tend to strive for uniqueness and individuality. How the fuck can you accomplish that when every other fucking girl is doing the same thing? There are other options out there, you know!

Another thing that makes skinny jeans less unique is the fact that apparently, the variety of footwear that can be worn with them is limited. If I had a nickel for every bitch I've seen wearing these things with stupid ass Uggs or fake Uggs (fuggs), I'd be sailing with Akon on a yacht somewhere in the Caribbean right now. Seriously, what the fuck do you chicks say, "Hey, look at those girls in skinny jeans and Uggs! Let's go do the same fucking thing!" If it's not Uggs then it's sandals or those stupid ass ballerina slippers. And what's with tucking them into these knee-high boots? What, are you trying to dress up like a fuckin' equestrian? Once in awhile I'll see some stuck up bitch try to "dress up her skinny jeans" with a pair of heels. Really? All it takes to "dress up" your skinnies is a $10 pair of pumps from Payless? Holy shit.

The further into the ghetto you get, the more you see these jeans. If you've ever noticed, low-income hood rats and hynas tend to wear these things every single day on the calendar. They're so afraid of being out of style, those things never come off, except for when they remove them to have more illegitimate kids.

Lastly, just when you thought skinny jeans were the shit, BAM..here come the jeggings! As if skinny jeans weren't tight enough! For those of you uneducated on the subject, jeggings are basically lycra-spandex dyed to look like denim. They're leggings that look like jeans - hence the name "jeggings." We are now three seasons into the 21st century's worst fashion trend, in which women suck, pull, and squeeze themselves into denim-colored sausage casings and then waddle around pretending they're wearing blue jeans. Just looking at these tragic hybrid "pants" can cut off a person's circulation. Actually putting on a pair is a clinically proven health hazard.  Boy, do I hate it when fat bitches wear jeggings. You think skinnies give fat bitches a muffin top? Holy poop. The funny part is these stupid hoochies actually think they look good! I'm not sure when this fad will fade out, but it needs to go away like yesterday.

For those of you who think you look good in either skinny jeans or jeggings, no you don't. You look like a fucking ice cream cone. Now let your ankles breathe!

3 Reasons To Punch Ke$ha In The Mouth

Apparently, it doesn’t take much to make a hit song these days. All you need is a keyboard and someone with an average singing voice at best. The song you release doesn’t even have to mean anything. You could just say “blah blah blah” through the whole damn thing and you’ll get nominated for a Teen Choice Award and an MTV Music Video Award. Perfect example? Kesha. Here are 3 reasons she should be donkey-punched in her annoying mouth:

I guess Lady Gaga isn't the only one
trying to hide her penis.



Reason 1: She’s already a stuck up bitch.
Here we have a bitch that’s so into herself, she has a dollar sign instead of an “S” in her name. Let me get this straight. Before you even dropped your first album, you’re implying that you are rollin’ in dough. That’s pretty ballsy from a person who, not too long ago, was living off welfare and food stamps. Jesus, Kesha, even Puffy’s old sidekick Ma$e is laughing at you.

Reason 2: Her songs SUCK.

Allow me to shit on her first single, “Tik Tok.” I’ll get past the part where she spells like she’s still on welfare and move on to how much this song sucks. If the fake ass “valley girl” accent doesn’t annoy the complete shit out of you, the lyrics will. “Wake up in the mornin’ feelin like P.Diddy.” So what does this mean, Kesha? You wake up feelin’ like a successful black man with more talent than you could ever dream of? Ok, I could see that happening. Then there's “Before I leave brush my teeth with a bottle of jack.” This is possibly the most white trash lyric I’ve heard since Larry the Cable Guy’s rendition of “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.” Seriously, if I ever catch you wasting a whole bottle of JD to brush your teeth, I will fucking kill you. And what's with this shit about you kicking guys to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger? Have you seen that guy lately? Holy shit bitch, you must be on some serious crack.

Reason #3: She can’t sing.

Silly me, I thought songs usually rhyme at the end of each lyric. Someone please tell that to this bitch. “Trying on all our clothes, boys blowin’ up our phones.” Someone must’ve swallowed a good amount of that Jack while brushing their teeth to think that clothes and phones fucking rhyme. But then again, I’m sure she’s had a good amount of practice swallowing. It's bad enough that through half her songs, her voice is digitally fucked with. I'd go as far as to say that what she does isn't considered singing, but just talking with a melody behind it. I guess her writers ran out of ideas for lyrics, because at the end of each chorus she yells like fuckin Tarzan to fill the gap where a lyric would normally be.

If you like this slut and her songs, you have a serious problem with your taste in music. I suppose as long as there are immature slutty high school girls around, there will always be a place for a singer talker like Kesha. I just don't know why anyone without "teen" in their age would even listen to this crap. If all it takes to make lots of money is a keyboard and an average talking voice, I'm headed to Guitar Center.....brb. Ok world, get ready for another epic piece of shit song like "Fly like a G6."

Fondue? Fon-DON'T!!

The only thing I hate more than snobby people are the places that cater to them. Eating establishments like The Melting Pot are a great place for stuck up people to recharge their snob batteries. For those of you who’ve never been to The Melting Pot, let me introduce you to the biggest rip-off in the history of mankind.

They won't be smiling once the bill comes!

The Melting Pot isn’t supposed to be just a restaurant, but an experience as well. It’s exactly the type of experience you want to stay as far away from as humanly possible. It may just be me, but the whole point of “going out” is so you don’t have to cook your own food. When I go to a restaurant, I’m under the assumption that they’re providing a chef to cook the shit for me. Now, not only do you cook your own food at this sorry excuse for a restaurant, you pay more to do it.

Let’s start from the moment you walk in the door. You’re already down $100. That’s right, one hundred dead presidents for stale bread, melted cheese, a few toothpicks, a pot of boiling water, and some raw meat. If you’re on a budget, plan on ordering a glass of water, because the alcohol prices are high enough to make Lindsay Lohan not want to drink. After some modest drinking, my alcohol tab had already reached the same as my food. To be honest, I really don’t know how these people sleep at night. I’m surprised the servers aren’t wearing ski masks and carrying automatic weapons.

For your convenience, I’ve created a cash-saving alternative to The Melting Pot. Your shopping list should include: 1 block of Velveeta cheese ($4), 2 large Hershey bars ($2) 1 lb. sirloin steak ($5), 1 loaf day-old French bread ($2), 1 box of toothpicks ($3), case of 20 Bud Light longnecks ($14). Add Velveeta to a small crockpot. Cut your sirloin and bread into bite-size pieces. Bring a pot of water to a boil. Repeat crockpot scenario with your Hershey bars. There you have it! A fondue evening for about $30. Eat your heart out, Rachel Ray!

What the fuck is it about The Melting Pot that continues to draw people in? It’s typical of the snobs of the planet to feel validated by overpaying for average food. It also gives chicks a reason to dress up like sluts. It’s just too bad that the eye candy fills me up more than the food does.