Let’s Nuke Santa Ana

The first thing you’re gonna say when you read this is “Nolan, you’re just a hater against Mexicans.” You’re absolutely right. But only the bad ones! Although not all Hispanics suck the life out of our great state, most of them do, and this particular article focuses on the ones inhabiting the ass crack of Orange County.

 

Poor homie. He thinks he's still tough.

When I hear the name “Santa Ana”, one phrase comes to mind – piece of shit. Not only is this sorry excuse for a city filthy, it’s filled with the most low-life pieces of crap in the entire universe. The only reason why other cities like Huntington Park, Vernon, West Covina, Bell Gardens, and Pomona don’t beat out Santa Ana on the ‘Piece-Of-Shit-O-Meter’ is because Santa Ana has more square mileage.

 

Now, let’s run down a few reasons why we should nuke Santa Ana right off the Thomas Guide. These are just a FEW reasons, because I don’t have 6 months to talk about them all.



1. Gangs. Feel like getting stabbed or shot while minding your own business? Take a leisurely stroll down Bristol Ave or 17^th Street. This city is filled with so many pieces of wannabe gangster shit it’s ridiculous. The safest time to visit is between 8am and Noon, because these so-called thugs are planning their next drive-by inside their classroom at the continuation high school. Every single day there’s a story in the paper about gang violence in this craphole. Guys like “Baby Joker” and “Droopy” think they’re tough by getting a tattoo of their last name on their back, wearing clothes 3 sizes too big, and shooting at unarmed people. Some even refer to themselves as “soldiers.” Well, if these guys are so tough, maybe they won’t have a problem with taking their skills to Afghanistan, right…ese?



2. Pregnant hynas. These stupid bitches should be deported on the spot. So you live in a run-down apartment complex, you work the counter at Del Taco (if you’re even employed), you have no insurance, yet you continue to pop out illegitimate children? Holy fucking shit. This irritates the living shit out of me. I work my ass off every day, even gone to war for this country, and these stupid hoes get to lay back, pop out kids, and mooch off the state for free. God bless America.



3. Mexican Independence Day Festivals. Viva Mexico! Yup, Mexico is so awesome and so great, that nobody wants to live there! I hate seeing these super uneducated welfare recipients on the news celebrating an independence day for a country they want nothing to do with. They wave a Mexican flag, have a Mexican flag sticker on the back of their Tahoe, shout “viva Mexico”, and yet they live in Santa Ana. It should be open-season on these low-life pieces of shit. What’s even worse – the city shuts down streets so they can celebrate this shit.

4. Santa Ana Unified School District. According to the California Dept. of Education, out of the top 10 worst performing schools in the entire state, Santa Ana has 4 of them. 4 OF THEM! IN ONE FUCKING CITY! We’d be better off shutting down the high schools and opening Fast Food Universities instead. It makes sense since that’s where most of these Spanish speaking retards are headed anyways. Either that, or a fulfilling career in lawncare. Here’s a suggestion: stop teaching classes in Spanish and make these future welfare recipients learn English! Geez, where’s Jaime Escalante when you need him?

These are just a few reasons I think we should dispose of the entire city of Santa Ana. Maybe in the future, part 2 of this blog will be brought forth. If there's anything about this craptastic city you'd like to burn on, by all means, please contribute! We'd love to hear your thoughts.

The iTurd - I'm sure someone would buy it.

The economy is down. BULLSHIT! The economy is not down when millions of consumers drop insane amounts of cash into stupid ass shit.

Next stop - the social services line
to file for food stamps.

Case in point - Apple's aresenal of overpriced electronics starting with the letter "i". Shit like the iPhone is single-handedly responsible for the steep decline in patience with Americans. As if they needed another reason to be impatient. When are Americans gonna wake up and realize they don't need that shit and can live without Youtube on their phones? Probably never.

I remember when just having a cell phone was awesome. Not only were cell phones extremely convenient, they also saved lives the minute they were released. Now, it's gone completely out of control. People freak out if they can't get service on their smartphone so they can log on to Facebook. God forbid you actually go a few hours without getting on the internet.

Why do people go crazy everytime Apple releases a new item? Beats the fucking living shit out of me! People complain about the price of gas, but are quick to drop $500+ on a new iPad. How many versions of the same product can Apple come out with? Apparently, as long as dumbshit consumers keep buying these things, Apple will keep tweaking the shit out of their products. They know people will line up and buy whatever it is that they come out with, simply because it's "the new thing." Don't tell me the economy is down when retards like the ones in the photo above keep dropping their money on stupid, senseless luxuries.

I am 100% convinced that Apple can come out with the iTurd and there will be thousands of morons lining up to buy it. God Bless America.

The Gym: More comedy than exercise

Should you choose to continue reading this fine article, you’ll have a better understanding of why I decided to terminate my gym membership. The examples I’m about to give you are not necessarily contained to one particular chain, but damn near all fucking gyms. Why damn near all fucking gyms? Because of the stupid ass people which are members of these workout establishments. Here we go:

Those Asians can never get enough of Math.

1. People are lazy. “But Nolan, why are they lazy? They’re about to go work out!” Oh really? Then why the fuck do people drive around the parking lot for 10 minutes hoping to find the closest parking spot? This is utterly retarded. You’re about to run on the treadmill, lift weights, take a spin class, etc., yet you don’t want to walk an extra 30 feet and park in the next row? Unbefuckinlieveable….and funny.

2. It’s fucking crowded. I’m not getting much of a workout if I’m waiting for 20 minutes just to get on a machine. It makes me laugh when I can’t get some treadmill work in because the dumb bitch who’s occupying it is taking a leisurely walk. WTF! You’re paying $30 a month to drive to the gym and walk? Do that shit around the block and stay the fuck off my machine! It’s too crowded for that dumb shit. I laughed whenever I saw that shit. I got pissed too.

3. The smoothie bar. Why are fat bitches always hanging out at the smoothie bar? It never fucking fails. They could be working out and burning more calories, but they choose to inhale even more calories and sugar by trying to look cool at the bar. News flash – you’re not cool. You’re fucking fat. Trash the liquid pop tart and hit the cardio machines.

4. Bitches are stupid. Have you ever seen the chick that dresses up in the cutest workout clothes but never really does anything? Sure you have. We all have. She’s got the tightest, most fashionable outfit on, yet all she does is parade around the gym hoping to get noticed. How about the bitch that reads a book while on the bicycle or step machine that’s set to about 10 steps per minute. That’s fucking classic. If you can read while “working out”, then you’re not doing it right.

5. Muscle heads. These guys might be my all time personal favorite. When they don’t have their heads in a Muscle & Fitness magazine, they’re looking at themselves in the mirror at the gym. Thank God for mirrors everywhere, or else these clowns wouldn’t be able to get any work done. Someone should also tell these guys that shirts are available with sleeves. It seems like every meat head enters the gym with a cutoff MMA shirt and walks around like he’s frickin’ Tito Ortiz. Hilarious.

If you're one of these people, shame on you! But thanks for the laughs. Now go pretend to work out!

When did Scions become cool?

These cars are stupid. I'd leave it at just that statement, but then it wouldn't be much of a blog now, would it? Ever since these ugly things debuted a few years back, Generation Y idiots started modifying every square inch of their new economy rides.

We're hoping those rims are glow-in-the-dark.

Let's start with the Xb. This fucking ugly over-sized toaster with an engine is quite possibly the most craptastic thing I've seen in a while. Jesus Christ, even Kia is making fun of these things. Engineers spent years structuring vehicles to be more aerodynamic and Toyota fucks it all up and makes a box. You heard me right, I said Toyota. Because apparently, there's a lot of low-income fucks out there who can't even afford a Toyota, so the mighty auto company had to create a cheaper brand. I'll tell you what, there's nothing cooler than tricking out a $14k metal box. These fools roll around like they're the shit. That is, when they're not working the graveyard shift at Wal-Mart stocking shelves. Hey, at least they're not passing out the happy face stickers at the entrance. But they're pretty goddamn close!

Besides the stupid ass box with wheels, the brainiacs at Toyota also came up with the Scion Tc. Just when you thought there couldn't be a cheaper version of the Honda Civic, eh? Boy do people think they're hot shit in these clown cars. What does your average driver of one of these things do the second they take it off the lot? They high speed it over to Pep Boys to rice the fuckin' thing out. It gets lowered, new rims, a fart cannon muffler, window tint, and all of a sudden, they're ready to race Vin Diesel. I guess they're so embarrassed that they can only afford a Toyota knockoff, that they feel they have to modify it to make it look cool. The only problem is, now they look way fuckin' worse.

I love Scion guy as he weaves in and out of lanes. His Scion is so fast and powerful, he can beat anyone who isn't racing him. For the record, if you own or lease a Scion, and it's all you can afford, I'm not hatin' on you. However, if you're the retard who dumps your Carls Jr. paycheck into useless mods on a Toyota budget machine, just know one thing; Nobody is checking out your ride because they like it. They're simply laughing at all the dumb shit you put on your car. Just remember...you drive a Scion, not a Formula 1 race car. Now stop reading this and go get some cool car club stickers to put all over your windows. Idiot.

It's Summer...Put The Fucking Uggs Away!

Hoes. They'll do anything to make sure they're always in style, even if it means giving up more sensible things in life. But hey, at least they have those Uggs. In what to me is a more marketable version of snow boots, Uggs have captured the fashion sense of females ages early-teens to mid-20's for the last coupe of years. Why? Beats the living shit out of me.

Is it hot enough to wear a mini skirt, or
cold enough to wear Uggs? We're confused.

Unless they're being worn in late December around the ski lifts, they have no business being worn in the Summer in Southern California. Coupled with the wearing of skinny jeans, Uggs (or often Ugg imitations) provide little to no ventilation of the feet. Can you imagine the stank that is going on down there? I asked a co-worker not too long ago why Uggs were such a trendy hit. She replied, "Because when it rains, it keeps our jeans from getting wet and ruined." This was obviously a bullshit excuse, considering two points: A) It rains a total of 3 fucking days here per year in Orange County, and B) Bitches are currently wearing them in August, when the thermometer topped 100° for almost 2 weeks straight.

My personal take on the wearing of Uggs in the Summer is that the bitches who wear them spent all of their money on those overpriced snow boots and now they don't have any money left to buy a pair of fucking sandals.

I'd like to say that I'm not a huge fan of trends as it is. I like individuality, and you can't achieve that when every other bitch is doing the same thing. As my partner in crime stated in his rant on Hynas, it's funny how girls (especially Hynas) walk around thinking they're so unique. Well news flash - you're not unique when every other chick in your age group is wearing the same thing, doing their hair the same way, and carrying the same over-sized hand bags.

In conclusion, Uggs are not cute. They're fucking stupid. You might only find one or two guys who don't think they look retarded, and most likely they're just telling you that so they can get in your skinny jeans. If you're planning a trip this Winter to Mammoth, by all means, knock yourselves out. In the meantime, take those fucking things off and leave them in the closet next to the knee-high hooker boots.

You have a debit card. Use it!

Go debit, or go fuck yourself.

Let's get right into it. Going to the grocery store is already a hell of a chore, so why make the experience worse than it already is? If you go to pay at the checkout register and you pull out a fucking checkbook, keep reading - cause you're an asshole!

Welcome to the fuckin' 21st Century, where convenience is everywhere and technology is at it's best.

Long gone are the days of forgetting the checkbook at home, misplacing your pen, and oh ya...writing checks at the damn grocery store! It's bullshit. Don't mind me, I'm just trying to get in and out in a timely fashion. The last thing I need is to get in "that line" with the douche bag who watches every item go past the scanner, waits to hear the total from the cashier, and THEN pulls out the fucking checkbook and starts to fill it out. I guess filling in the known elements like the date, your signature, and I don't know, the name of the fucking store is too easy huh? I was behind this one tool bag not too long ago where he had to ask the cashier what fucking store he was in. Are you fucking kidding me? Unacceptable.

If you have a checking account here in the year 2010, you have a goddamn debit card. It's so easy, fast, and doesn't require you remembering your pen. Jesus, it's like debit cards are fucking kryptonite to check writers. "But Nolan, I like keeping track of all my purchases." Yeah, me too. It's called online fucking banking. Also gone are the days of playing the "time game". You remember that game, being able to write a check 3 days before payday knowing it wouldn't be cashed while your broke ass was waiting to get paid. That was the last known advantage to using a check. Now, they have these high-speed scanners that tell them if your broke ass is writing a check with no money behind it. Busted!

Look, there are still uses for checks these days; Private debt, mortgage, some bills, but NOT to purchase your wheaties and lean cuisine. Just remember, if you're still holding on to the long-passed era of check writing at the store, millions upon millions of people fucking hate you. Including me.

Hynas, Part 1: Individuality...or lack thereof.

Hello everyone, this part of our blog is brought to you by: Hynas. Now, in order to fully convey our disgust with this subculture of females ranging in ages 15 to 25, this will have to be a several part series.

Not even Costco has muffin tops this big.

A "Hyna" is defined by the Urban Dictionary as "a HOT Chicana in the Barrio, keeping it real." This definition could not be further from the truth. This part is about the individuality, or lack there of, among hynas who can be easily identified by their trademarks: Stenciled-on eyebrows, black lip liner with no lipstick on, the crunchy hair sustained by a can and a half of Aqua Net, the big hoop earrings, the black bra underneath the white tank top, and last but not least, the skinny jeans tucked into the Uggs in 95 degree heat.

The question I ask myself every time I see 15 year old Guadalupe walking down the street, pushing a baby in her stroller with another in the oven, is why do they think they are so unique if they dress and act exactly like every other hyna? I have a unique insight into this (having dated a hyna for a short period of time) and my theory is this; hynas are so unhappy with their mediocrity that they have to cling to anything they can to make themselves unique. Be it their style of dress, attitude, the car they drive, or the careers they choose, sadly these are all the same.

With their background now established, lets get to the hatin. I hate when these hynas walk around acting like they are so different from everyone else when they are exactly the same in every way. They all have the same stupid 'holier than thou' attitude, even though most of them work as a receptionist making less than $10 an hour. Yet you always see them texting on their brand new Droid or iPhone, while driving their leased Altimas with rent- to-own 20" rims. Along with the attitude comes the style of dress, which are the skinny jeans, Ugg boots, stupid bug eye sunglasses, and the crunchy hair. Of course they think they all look good (and i'll admit some do), but then you have the muffin toppin' ones who are like 300 pounds, but still squeeze themselves into a size 4 and walk around as if they are America's next top model.

And finally, career choices. I'm sorry, but I don't see what these hoes are so proud of working as medical assistants, receptionists, and sandwich artists at Subway. But apparently filing papers and making cold cut combos makes it okay to walk around like Ivanka Trump, saying things like "stuuuuuuuppppiiiiiidddd" or "ohhhh heeelllllll naawwwww."

This has been a hatin' session with Allen and Nolan. This is also the first time i have ever blogged, so forgive the crude nature of my post. If you have anything to add, please feel free to comment and add your thoughts.